The Thing About Identity Labels…


“I feel attracted to x, but I’m not sure if I qualify as ‘this label’ or ‘that label’, can you help explain these labels so I can pick the right one?”

Pansexual, asexual, gray-a, demisexual, boyqueen, genderqueer, panromantic, aromantic, homosexual, bisexual, queer, femme, andro, agender, bigender, butch, ….omg there are so many identity label choices!

Here’s a reminder about all those choices: you define those labels, those labels do not define you!

Labels are tools to understand the vast array of gender/romantic/sexual identity possibilities; they are not rigidly defined categories of people that you need to properly fit your identity under. You are already you, with or without the labels.

Instead, it’s helped me to reframe it like this:
Say it’s your sexual orientation label in question. Start thinking about what you do/don’t enjoy sexually, who you enjoy being sexual with, what kinds of things make you horny, what you’re curious about, and so on. Then, whenever you want or need a label to describe your sexual orientation, try on a label you feel comfortable with. Use the label so long as it helps you, but never allow yourself to feel any pressure to do that label “right”. You ARE your label. Your label is not you.

See what I’m saying?

As soon as a label starts to define you instead of you defining it, it’s time to drop it like it’s hot.

Go do you.

Problems with the Kinsey Scale

Take any sort of sexuality course and you will probably learn about the Kinsey Scale. The scale, ranging from 0-6 goes from exclusively heterosexual (0) to exclusively homosexual (6). It looks something like this:

The scale, produced in the 1940s, was pretty radical for its time. Kinsey was one of the first researchers to suggest that sexual orientation is more than simply:

But rather, that sexual orientation comes on a

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Ask Me Anything: Bi gf wants to get funky w/ other women

I get way more email than I can keep up with. It’s quite flattering, actually…(“ME? you’re asking ME? *squee*)

I’m glad yall trust me with your secrets and stories. I am going to try to address your email directly here throughout the week. I’m happy to offer my input or perhaps lay out some different perspectives to help you make the best choice for yourself. If I post your email, rest assured, it will be 100% anonymous.

Hey Laci. I’ve been dating this wonderful woman for over a year now. I know that she is bi, but it’s hasn’t been a problem until recently. She has mentioned to me that she wants to explore her sexuality and be with a woman. I have no actual problem with that act, hypothetically, but what I do have a problem with is the fact that we’re in a relationship, which should imply a matter of devotion, right? We didn’t go into our relationship looking for something polyamorous or anything of that sort (I think we both want our relationship to remain monogamous). What I’m getting to, is I want to let my girlfriend find out who she is sexually, but I also… sorta don’t. I know that sounds terrible to say, but I don’t see how it would be any different for me to “explore” my sexuality and be with another woman. (I’m not saying I want to do that; I really do love my girlfriend to pieces) Should she get special privilege because she’s bi?


Sounds like you’re having a head/heart brainfuck.

Totally understandable. It’s a tricky situation you’re trying to handle here.

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Asexuality Chat w/ David Jay

On this Saturday’s Sex+ we talked about asexuality. If you missed it, check it out!

Here’s a continuation of the interview I had with asexual activist David Jay, founder of

For more on asexuality, visit the video description for the first video. I put a bunch of links that I found helpful for yall to check out.

Happy monday!


JUSTIN BIEBER: Google’s #7 “WOMAN” on the Web?

Recently, COED Magazine has released a list of the 50 most popular women on the web according to Google search. Coming in at #7? Justin Bieber.

I personally have not been infected by “Bieber Fever”, but I do think international entertainment phenomena, especially ones based on sex appeal, are interesting to watch unfold. When I watched Bieber on YouTube in 2008, he was loved and adored by all who came upon him. Justin Bieber USED to be one of the Greyson Chance or Alex Goot types until he actually made it big. Stardom aside, since his rise to fame, Bieber has continually been at the pit of a war of fanatical teenagers vs. everyone else. Petty issues aside, one of the things that I cannot help but notice is the constant attacks on Justin Bieber’s gender and sexuality in the media. You can find one example for each below (and a whole lot more with a few minutes on Google).

1. Gender – Justin Bieber named #7 most searched woman on the web in 2010
2. Orientation -The launch of a popular website devoted to lesbians that look like Justin Bieber.

But why? Because Bieber has feminine physical features? Because he doesn’t sing songs that equate women to fast food?

Possibly, but let’s dig a little deeper. Bieber is the perfect illustration of 2 things: firstly, social attempts to control who are allowed to be, and secondly, social discomfort with pushing gender/sex boundaries. Mix the two together, and it’s no wonder sexuality and gender identity are a popular way to control behavior. By attacking someone’s sexuality, we can shame them back into the only 2 boxes that we believe are allowed: masculine or feminine, boy and girl. When somebody blurs the line between tough boy and sweet girl, especially somebody who is famous or supposed to be “straight”, shit hits the fan and everybody rushes to put them back in their place.

Grow up, COED editors. Grow up, 2nd source media outlets, America, and the rest of the world too, for that matter. I may not be into his music, but for goodness sake, LEAVE JUSTIN BIEBER’S SEXUALITY ALONE!

*For reference, other shamed international celebrities: Brittany Spears, Michael Jackson, and Lady Gaga.