Laci’s Guide to Carpet Munching

Ok, does anybody else find the term “carpet muncher” totally endearing? I love it.

My experience with carpet munching/oral sex/eating out/cunnilingus/giving head/going down goes as follows:

People with vaginas: know what’s up.
People without vaginas: do not know what’s up.

The majority of my partners (sorry babes….hey why are you lurking my blog?) have been oh-so-valiant warriors in their efforts to master the munching of carpets…but alas, good head is a fleeting luxury. As sensitive and magical as My Clit might be, it does require a bit of pampering before she will do any tricks for you. I am writing this blog to give an account of the guide I wish I’d had a few years ago to hand over and ask “could you do this?” –accompanied of course by adorable eyelash batting and “you’re so wonderful-ing” so as not to bruise my beau’s already wavering confidence in bed.

This blog is about My Clit. If you want to better the oral sex you’re having, try writing (or verbalizing) a guide to Your Clit for your partner. If you don’t know what to do, consider the pointers here, and ask your partner the questions you have as well.

YES, PLEASE. MORE.
Just like I’ve done my carpet-munching homework by being tested & taking care of my sexual health, please do your homework as well! Before we get into bed, I expect you to know your sexual health status.

I also expect you to know my basic anatomy. You should be able to identify my anus, vagina, labia, and clit. Remember, My Clit is that little nub at the top of my inner labia. My Clit will become more pronounced as I become aroused. If you are having trouble finding it at first, I can help you with that.

Unless we have 5 minutes or someone’s about to bust through the door, the starting point should never, ever be in between my legs. Do foreplay our foreplay’s foreplay. Sexy talk, kissing, touching my favorite spots, and rubbing up on me are all better places to start than My Clit. Once you have given sufficient time for My Clit to stir from her slumber, you are welcome to visit her with your hands and tongue.

Continue reading

Ask Me Anything: Bi gf wants to get funky w/ other women

I get way more email than I can keep up with. It’s quite flattering, actually…(“ME? you’re asking ME? *squee*)

I’m glad yall trust me with your secrets and stories. I am going to try to address your email directly here throughout the week. I’m happy to offer my input or perhaps lay out some different perspectives to help you make the best choice for yourself. If I post your email, rest assured, it will be 100% anonymous.

Hey Laci. I’ve been dating this wonderful woman for over a year now. I know that she is bi, but it’s hasn’t been a problem until recently. She has mentioned to me that she wants to explore her sexuality and be with a woman. I have no actual problem with that act, hypothetically, but what I do have a problem with is the fact that we’re in a relationship, which should imply a matter of devotion, right? We didn’t go into our relationship looking for something polyamorous or anything of that sort (I think we both want our relationship to remain monogamous). What I’m getting to, is I want to let my girlfriend find out who she is sexually, but I also… sorta don’t. I know that sounds terrible to say, but I don’t see how it would be any different for me to “explore” my sexuality and be with another woman. (I’m not saying I want to do that; I really do love my girlfriend to pieces) Should she get special privilege because she’s bi?

-Confused

Sounds like you’re having a head/heart brainfuck.

Totally understandable. It’s a tricky situation you’re trying to handle here.

Continue reading