A few weeks ago my sister and I were at a gas station filling up our car. When I got out to pump, a car full of guys pulled up next to us. Immediately, some of the guys rolled down their windows and a couple others got out of their car. Standing there at the pump across the driveway, they began whistling and hollering at me.
“HEY SEXY, HOW’S IT GOIN?”
“YOU GOT A BOYFRIEND?”
“WHAT YOU UP TO TONIGHT? WANNA HAVE A GOOD TIME?“
My sister rolled her eyes at me from the front seat of the car and went back to texting. I continued on with my business, trying to ignore the obnoxious men. Insert money. Unscrew gas cap. Insert pump.
I noticed one of them walking over to me. In a fit of rage even I didn’t see coming,
I totally lost it.
FUCK. OFF. FUCK THE MOTHER FUCK OFF. FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF!!!”
Here’s one of those subjects that YouTube would force me to censor.
One of my long-time viewers that I recently started following on Twitter requested the clitoris be discussed in the Sex+ survey I distributed at the end of 2010. Specifically, he wanted to know where it is.
Here’s a diagram I graffiti’d:
ZOMG so cute, right?! It’s right there above the vagina itself, nestled in the fold of the labia minora. If you rest your palm centered on her pubic bone, your middle finger will run on top of the clitoris. It is a relatively small bump (though they come in all different sizes!) and it will engorge when she’s aroused; remember, it is the female equivalent of the penis. That is to say, the clitoris has all the nerve endings of the glans of the penis packed into a much smaller space–no wonder it’s so sensitive!
That’s another thing. The clitoris, well, it’s generally a sensitive little piece of equipment. So sensitive, that many women can’t handle the intense contact of fingers to clitoris. To ease the friction, you might try using a little lubricant or rubbing just slightly above it instead. In all endeavors, the clitoris demands fragile TLC, and over-stimulation can be numbing, painful, or diminish the sensation it brings. This is why gentle licking, sucking, or soft circular rubbing are popular favorites of women.
The clitoris also deserves special attention because it is the most common way that women orgasm (for more on that check out Sexual Feeling in Married Men and Women by George Kelly). Stimulation of the clitoris is a vital piece of many women’s enjoyment of sex, so don’t neglect it, even during envelopment. Using hands or certain positions (woman on top) during sex can help with that.
Time to cast a critical eye toward Lonely Island’s new song “I Just Had Sex”. It’s catchy as all hell and kind of makes me want to dance. But in my repeated viewing, I’ve gone back and forth as to whether or not the video (which has been widely viewed–20 million as of today) sends positive messages about sex to women.
Macroscopically speaking, “I Just Had Sex” parodically humanizes the experience of sex, and reminds the viewer that everybody does it. It also humorously makes a statement about appropriate discourse of sexual encounters. But I do have a few complaints–mainly, that the video implies sex is something men “do” to women (i.e. “It’s sure nice of her to let you do that thing”, “I’m so humbled by her ability to let me do her”, “Thanks for letting us fuck you”). My own experience begs to differ ;)
Seriously though, the song is pretty heteronormative (to be expected in the mainstream, unfortunately), and when an intimate act becomes someone “doing something” to another, it silences the experience of the other person. They become the passive receptor of whatever it is you’re “doing” to them. The internalization of this message would be unfortunate for both parties involved; for women, it is disempowering, and for the men, it romanticizes a watered-down version of the exchange that sex COULD facilitate.
Despite these gripes, I love the song. The embarrassed and annoyed looks of the women in the background serve to make us laugh, but also to remind us that such behavior makes men look like a complete jackasses. It even apologizes for all the men that actually DO act like that…so, thanks Akon, I might be able to see past your awful grammarz now.