10 Tips For Tough Conversations

☹ Your partner watches so much porn that it’s impeding on your sex life
☹ Your friend got a bf and seems to have completely lost their personality
☹ Your partner says embarrassing things in the company of other people

These are just some of the emails I get from people who ask: “how do I talk to them about this?” Every single one of us, at one time or another, will be in a situation where we really need to sit down and talk with someone about something that is very hard to talk about, uncomfortable, sensitive, or otherwise challenging.

Here are 10 tips that have helped me to smooth out tough conversations.

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5 Tips for Stronger Orgasm

Hey peeps…want to cum harder? Here are some quick tips.

1. Take your time

Orgasm is about the build up. Instead of spending 10 minutes (the average) on foreplay, try spending at least a half hour. Foreplay ideas: kissing, caressing, manual stimulation, oral sex, body worship (work your way up or down their body giving explicit attention to various erogenous zones – including neck, breasts, upper and lower back, hips, booty, inner thighs, calves, and feet), back/body/head massage, strip teases, sexy talk, etc. Take time to savor every sensation!

2. Stop at the edge

If you feel like you’re about to cum, try to bring yourself back down. Repeat a few times before allowing yourself to go, and when you do, the sensation will be much more intense.

3. Masturbate -> Communicate

This is a 2 step formula that starts with knowing what you like. Use masturbation as a guide to figure out what really gets you going. What areas feel good to be touched? How do you like them touched? What rhythm feels good to you? What fantasies do you have while you are masturbating? These are all things you can take away from masturbation and communicate with your partner. There’s no shame in giving them some guidance, it will help both of you out!

4. Abstain

Running with our theme of delay, which is one of the quickest and most efficient approaches to orgasm strengthening, try holding off from sex/masturbation for awhile. Try waiting a few days or–if you’re brave–a week. The release of the tension is unmatched when it has been a long time. Because of the fullness in the pelvis and the lack of fluid release, ejaculation will take on a heightened intensity. Some male bodied people get more pleasure out of a higher volume of fluid shooting through the urethra. For female bodies, the clitoris will have heightened sensitivity and lighter strokes will go further.

5. Kegels

For male and female bodies, strengthening the PC muscles has an array of benefits, including more control over your orgasms and a path to stronger, earth-shattering types of orgasms. To strengthen your PC muscles, practice stopping your stream of pee. Those muscles that you contract to do so are called your PC muscles and they can be exercised anywhere! (My favorite is during a particularly boring lecture.) Another way for female bodies to strengthen their PC muscles is to use ben wa balls. I will be making a ben wa tutorial video soon. Over time, you will be able to contract your PC muscles very quickly during the act- think butterfly wings – which will bring a new dimension to your orgasms. Even without contracting, strong PC muscles still increase the strength of the orgasm.

have fun :)

ADVICE: He won’t wear condoms.

I get email:

Hi laci. I have been watching your show for a long time and I know you always tell us to protect ourselves. I have been trying, but I have one problem. My boyfriend says that he does not want to wear condoms. He will not get tested either. Last night we had sex without one even though I really did not want to. Do you have any advice? Please help me I know I cant be the only person with this problem. Thank you

-J

J, good for you for trying! You are definitely NOT the only person with this problem. I can’t tell you how many discussions I have had to initiate after hearing some condom hate from my old high school students.

The fact of the matter is this: you are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself and you have the right to assert your health needs with your partner. If he can’t respect your health, maybe it’s time to reconsider if he actually respects you.

So, what to do about this refusal to wear condoms. I would say have him get tested so your risk is minimized without condoms…but it sounds like that didn’t go over very well. What excuses is he giving not to wear condoms? Here are some various responses you can give to things he might say:

Him You
It doesn’t feel good. 1. I don’t feel good when I don’t feel safe.
2. The safer I feel, the wilder I get!
They don’t fit. 1. There are lots of brands and sizes, lets find one that fits.
2. If it’s too big for a condom, it’s too big for me.
It ruins the mood. 1. Don’t we create the mood?
2. I think safety is sexy.
Just this once. 1. I have lots of condoms, let’s go more than once!
2. Once more is one time too many for me.
You think I’m going to give you something? 1. It’s not about you, I always use condoms to protect my health.
2. Aren’t you worried about the same thing?

Lastly J, don’t be afraid to be assertive to get what you need, whether that means “sorry then we can’t have sex”, or further discussion. It may help to talk about this anxiety you are having over the condoms situation. Tell him what you need, why you need it, and how your needs are going unmet. I would suggest bringing it up away from where you have sex when you are alone together. Within this discussion, if you feel comfortable, you might also bring up getting tested together. It can be fun – grab lunch together, go to the clinic, have steamy safer sex together when you’re done. :P

Remember, it’s your body and your health. While many STIs are not serious, some are, and I don’t want to scare you…but it only takes one time to transmit a serious disease. Condoms don’t eliminate that risk, but they do significantly decrease it when used correctly. You deserve a partner who recognizes this and takes your health into account!

Best of luck,

PS: General info about using condoms here!

ADVICE: Too Late to Stop Having Sex?

I get email:

After 5 months of being with my boyfriend we finally decided to have sex. It was totally on a whim..I was planning on waiting a lot longer. At the time I figured, I love him and want to make this commitment…now, i’m not so sure I made the right choice. I guess my question is, since we have already had sex, could “waiting” still be an option or would it be a little far fetched? I am also worried on how or if I should even bring this up to him.

-AJ

Hey AJ!

Good news! Waiting is ALWAYS an option. In every encounter, you always have the right to say no–whether it’s before or even during sex. Having sex does not open any flood gate, so if you’re not ready and you’re questioning yourself, as it seems you are, then it’s perfectly OK to say no. It doesn’t make you a bad partner, and if your boyfriend loves and respects you, he will honor and respect your needs in the relationship.

You mentioned that you don’t know if you should bring it up to him. As a general rule of thumb, if you need something, it’s always good to bring it up with him. Now, as to how to do so: my recommendation is usually for people to bring up issues in bed *outside* of bed. So, next time you’re hanging out, maybe when you’re being a little affectionate with each other and you’re both in a good mood, tell him that there’s something you want to talk about. Here’s an example scenario:


You: Hey, do you mind if we talk about something for a sec that has been bothering me?
Him: Sure, what’s up?
You: You know how we had sex last week? I felt like I was ready to do it, but afterward I realized…maybe I’m not as ready as I thought.
Him: What do you mean?
You: I love you and I want to make this commitment to you, but I think maybe it’s too much for me at this point. The time might come, but I’m not quite there yet.
Him: Okay, I understand. How can I meet you where you’re at?
You: Well, do you think we could wait a little longer? I’d be much more comfortable with that.

Of course, this template isn’t exactly how it’s going to play out! This is just an example of how to get started and some directions you could go. Of the most importance is to be honest and gentle. Remember, you’re doing this to take care of yourself, and you have every right to do so. If he appears upset, remind him that you’re just trying to communicate your needs to make your relationship stronger. Make sure that he knows it’s about you and it’s not an attack on him, if necessary. Lastly, don’t let him (or anyone else for that matter!) make you feel bad about your choice or pressure you into having sex any way. It’s your body, use it however you want to.

Good luck. <3

Hey fattie, you eat too much!

There’s a channel on YouTube that I’ve been watching for some time now. His name is Steven Assanti, otherwise known as “FatBoyGetDown“. Steve weighs over 600 pounds and in his videos you can find him dancing to the latest beats, parodying other YouTubers, and….eating.

A short while ago, Steve applied to be on a weight loss show called “The Biggest Loser” pleading that he fears he will soon die if he doesn’t lose weight. When he wept on camera, his viewers were compassionate, empathetic, and wrote in to help him get on the show. Since then, there have been no updates on his attempts to get on the show. I suspect he may have been rejected because he has too many medical issues, but I don’t have much support for that claim. In the mean time, he has continued to post videos like his old ones. I find his comments…..interesting. On the message boards of his regular videos, people leave considerably rude comments:

My questions for you are: are these comments about Steve’s habits or body justified? Is Steve “asking for it” and does that matter? Would it make any difference if people were telling him how to live his life in a way that was less rude? Is it our place to regulate each other’s health…especially a total stranger? Obviously, the commenters on this video think that the answer is yes; they feel justified and entitled to telling Steve how to regulate his life and will likely continue to do so.

I’m not so sure I see it the same way. Being obese is not a crime, and even though his approach might be unhealthy, eating too much isn’t a crime either. In my opinion, it’s YOUR life, not mine. It’s not my place to degrade you and judge you because of a lifestyle and habits that are yours alone; I simply don’t see this as warranting verbal abuse. Humans can be so despicably cruel.

*UPDATE 3/08/11: Steven has posted a video announcing that he is leaving YouTube because of the verbal abuse. :’(

Excuse me for fucking eating a large pizza just because I’m morbidly obese. So what? Everybody has an addiction. There’s alcoholics, there’s drug addicts…and there’s food.”
Steven Assanti