50 More Ways To Be Sex Positive!

In this week’s sex+ called “The Slut Shamer“, I used a variety of mini-skits to give some basic principles of sex positivity. Here are 50 more things that I do to complement my sex positive lifestyle. Help grow this list by sharing your ways in the comments! Can you think of more ways to be sex positive? :)

Sexuality
explore & find out what feels good!

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How To Stay Friends With An Ex

e-mayl

My boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me two weeks ago. Tomorrow, he is running of to Panama city for some spring break fun with a new girl. This is totally unlike him, so I am assuming it’s his way of coping with the pain – though he is flat out denying there is pain. In my logic, I thought, if he’s moving on, should I? We’ve both decided that we will stay friends. Though I am trying to get him to do friend activities, he is seemingly distant and cold. Again, very un like him. I’m wondering, in your personal and professional opinion, can we be friends with our exs? how much time in between should it take to attempt a friendship?

-L

Hey, L. I don’t have any professional advice to offer, but I can speak from my personal experiences with break ups.

Ending a relationship is in many ways losing someone, especially when you’ve been together for a few years as you had. The grief of break-ups, for me, feels not quite as strong as death, but more then falling out with a friend. As such, there are lots of emotions flowing, and that sometimes translates into strange or irrational behavior.

I think your assumption about him coping is probably right, even if he is denying it. In past break ups, I found myself feeling unwanted & missing their presence in my life. Amongst the slew of my sadness, there was peace in feeling like I’d be able to find the same happiness with someone else. Call it “rebounding”. Running off on this trip to Panama may be your ex’s way of doing that. I wouldn’t worry about his coldness for now, he’s probably just upset and needs some time.
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Ask Me Anything: I am starting to get worried.

I get email.

Hey, so my girlfriend and I are starting to get worried a little
bit, she should be on her period right now but, nothing is happening. For
the past few nights she has felt sick and I am wondering if it just sounds
like her period is running late or if it is what I think it is.

Eek. I’ve had 2 scares myself and I don’t look back upon them fondly. Both in my teens. Both unnecessarily traumatic. Part of the trauma was self-inflicted, so if you’re stressing out hellahellahella right now: woosah, baby. Wooooooosah.

First, let’s think about how likely it is that you could be pregnant. Generally speaking…

A. If you are having sex without birth control or condoms, your risk of getting pregnant is higher.
B. If you are having sex with birth control/condoms that you sometimes forget to take or put on, your risk of getting pregnant is low-moderate.
C. If you are having sex with birth control (taken on time as directed) or condoms (used every time), your risk of getting pregnant is low.
D. Having sex about 2 weeks after your period (during ovulation) increases the likelihood of getting pregnant.

What else could cause a skipped period?
A skipped period can happen when you’re stressed, if you’ve changed your diet/exercise patterns, if you’ve gained or lost a lot of weight in a short period, if you’ve started taking certain medications (like, say, birth control!), or if you have been battling illness.

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ADVICE: He won’t wear condoms.

I get email:

Hi laci. I have been watching your show for a long time and I know you always tell us to protect ourselves. I have been trying, but I have one problem. My boyfriend says that he does not want to wear condoms. He will not get tested either. Last night we had sex without one even though I really did not want to. Do you have any advice? Please help me I know I cant be the only person with this problem. Thank you

-J

J, good for you for trying! You are definitely NOT the only person with this problem. I can’t tell you how many discussions I have had to initiate after hearing some condom hate from my old high school students.

The fact of the matter is this: you are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself and you have the right to assert your health needs with your partner. If he can’t respect your health, maybe it’s time to reconsider if he actually respects you.

So, what to do about this refusal to wear condoms. I would say have him get tested so your risk is minimized without condoms…but it sounds like that didn’t go over very well. What excuses is he giving not to wear condoms? Here are some various responses you can give to things he might say:

Him You
It doesn’t feel good. 1. I don’t feel good when I don’t feel safe.
2. The safer I feel, the wilder I get!
They don’t fit. 1. There are lots of brands and sizes, lets find one that fits.
2. If it’s too big for a condom, it’s too big for me.
It ruins the mood. 1. Don’t we create the mood?
2. I think safety is sexy.
Just this once. 1. I have lots of condoms, let’s go more than once!
2. Once more is one time too many for me.
You think I’m going to give you something? 1. It’s not about you, I always use condoms to protect my health.
2. Aren’t you worried about the same thing?

Lastly J, don’t be afraid to be assertive to get what you need, whether that means “sorry then we can’t have sex”, or further discussion. It may help to talk about this anxiety you are having over the condoms situation. Tell him what you need, why you need it, and how your needs are going unmet. I would suggest bringing it up away from where you have sex when you are alone together. Within this discussion, if you feel comfortable, you might also bring up getting tested together. It can be fun – grab lunch together, go to the clinic, have steamy safer sex together when you’re done. :P

Remember, it’s your body and your health. While many STIs are not serious, some are, and I don’t want to scare you…but it only takes one time to transmit a serious disease. Condoms don’t eliminate that risk, but they do significantly decrease it when used correctly. You deserve a partner who recognizes this and takes your health into account!

Best of luck,

PS: General info about using condoms here!

ADVICE: Too Late to Stop Having Sex?

I get email:

After 5 months of being with my boyfriend we finally decided to have sex. It was totally on a whim..I was planning on waiting a lot longer. At the time I figured, I love him and want to make this commitment…now, i’m not so sure I made the right choice. I guess my question is, since we have already had sex, could “waiting” still be an option or would it be a little far fetched? I am also worried on how or if I should even bring this up to him.

-AJ

Hey AJ!

Good news! Waiting is ALWAYS an option. In every encounter, you always have the right to say no–whether it’s before or even during sex. Having sex does not open any flood gate, so if you’re not ready and you’re questioning yourself, as it seems you are, then it’s perfectly OK to say no. It doesn’t make you a bad partner, and if your boyfriend loves and respects you, he will honor and respect your needs in the relationship.

You mentioned that you don’t know if you should bring it up to him. As a general rule of thumb, if you need something, it’s always good to bring it up with him. Now, as to how to do so: my recommendation is usually for people to bring up issues in bed *outside* of bed. So, next time you’re hanging out, maybe when you’re being a little affectionate with each other and you’re both in a good mood, tell him that there’s something you want to talk about. Here’s an example scenario:


You: Hey, do you mind if we talk about something for a sec that has been bothering me?
Him: Sure, what’s up?
You: You know how we had sex last week? I felt like I was ready to do it, but afterward I realized…maybe I’m not as ready as I thought.
Him: What do you mean?
You: I love you and I want to make this commitment to you, but I think maybe it’s too much for me at this point. The time might come, but I’m not quite there yet.
Him: Okay, I understand. How can I meet you where you’re at?
You: Well, do you think we could wait a little longer? I’d be much more comfortable with that.

Of course, this template isn’t exactly how it’s going to play out! This is just an example of how to get started and some directions you could go. Of the most importance is to be honest and gentle. Remember, you’re doing this to take care of yourself, and you have every right to do so. If he appears upset, remind him that you’re just trying to communicate your needs to make your relationship stronger. Make sure that he knows it’s about you and it’s not an attack on him, if necessary. Lastly, don’t let him (or anyone else for that matter!) make you feel bad about your choice or pressure you into having sex any way. It’s your body, use it however you want to.

Good luck. <3