Laci’s Guide to Carpet Munching

Ok, does anybody else find the term “carpet muncher” totally endearing? I love it.

My experience with carpet munching/oral sex/eating out/cunnilingus/giving head/going down goes as follows:

People with vaginas: know what’s up.
People without vaginas: do not know what’s up.

The majority of my partners (sorry babes….hey why are you lurking my blog?) have been oh-so-valiant warriors in their efforts to master the munching of carpets…but alas, good head is a fleeting luxury. As sensitive and magical as My Clit might be, it does require a bit of pampering before she will do any tricks for you. I am writing this blog to give an account of the guide I wish I’d had a few years ago to hand over and ask “could you do this?” –accompanied of course by adorable eyelash batting and “you’re so wonderful-ing” so as not to bruise my beau’s already wavering confidence in bed.

This blog is about My Clit. If you want to better the oral sex you’re having, try writing (or verbalizing) a guide to Your Clit for your partner. If you don’t know what to do, consider the pointers here, and ask your partner the questions you have as well.

Just like I’ve done my carpet-munching homework by being tested & taking care of my sexual health, please do your homework as well! Before we get into bed, I expect you to know your sexual health status.

I also expect you to know my basic anatomy. You should be able to identify my anus, vagina, labia, and clit. Remember, My Clit is that little nub at the top of my inner labia. My Clit will become more pronounced as I become aroused. If you are having trouble finding it at first, I can help you with that.

Unless we have 5 minutes or someone’s about to bust through the door, the starting point should never, ever be in between my legs. Do foreplay our foreplay’s foreplay. Sexy talk, kissing, touching my favorite spots, and rubbing up on me are all better places to start than My Clit. Once you have given sufficient time for My Clit to stir from her slumber, you are welcome to visit her with your hands and tongue.

Please, please do always be gentle with My Clit. Think featherlight grazes, licks, and strokes of the fingers. Please do not mush My Clit into my pelvis or rub it abrasively with dry hands, she responds much more readily to a graceful, lightly lubricated touch. Do feel free to vary the pressure and tempo of that touch. When you can see me getting excited, My Clit is probably ready for more.

If you don’t have a clit, do think of My Clit like the head of your penis. Rhythmic, gentle strokes are the key. She also enjoys being sucked and nibbled – albeit gently. Don’t worry about getting too fancy with your tongue – that can be entertaining, but the old reliable rhythm is always a winner.

Do remember that My Clit and My G-Spot are the best of friends – in fact, there’s evidence to suggest they’re one and the same. If you’d like to invite My G-Spot to the party, fingers with trimmed nails can add some spice to carpet munching. Insert one finger (if I’m not wet on the outside, please use some lube or your mouth to save me a flinch) and knead the upper wall of my vagina – closest to my stomach – with a “come here” motion.

Do get into it. Talking sexy to me, making eye contact, working attentively, and otherwise focusing on My Clit all tell me that you’re into it. That makes me feel like mfking goddess.

Please do pay attention when my body moves. These movements are your teacher and will make you a master of pleasure. If I move my hips up, I am giving you a cue about where I want your tongue on My Clit. If I move the same way on repeated occasions, this is a hint about what spots and angles are best for me.

Should your mouth/tongue need a break, do attend to that. My breasts and mouth also love having and giving company. If you intend to keep me moving toward orgasm, do keep your fingers on My G-Spot while you break. We could also shake it up by letting me work on myself with fingers or a vibe, 69ing, or giving you a turn.

When I start to cum, do keep fingering or licking me until I nudge you off of My Clit. If you stop right as I start to cum, My Clit loses some momentum.


As we work toward orgasm, please don’t try to rush me. If I feel like we’re in a hurry it will distract me and make it harder for me to cum.

Please, please don’t manhandle My Clit.

Please don’t lap your tongue on My Clit as if you are eating an ice cream cone. Remember: quick, rhythmic, gentle strokes. Try flicking the tip of your finger with your tongue to practice. You should learn to keep a rhythmic stroke going without losing contact with the tip of your finger.

Please don’t be afraid to ask me any questions about My Clit along the way. If you are unsure of what My Clit wants, I am happy to help you while you are going down on me. Clarifying questions (do you like this? would you prefer this…or this?) make it easier and hotter for both of us.

Lastly, don’t worry if I don’t have an orgasm while you’re going down on me. There are lots of factors that go into the orgasms of My Clit. If I am nervous, tired, not horny enough, or either of us is inexperienced, that can make it harder to cum. Practice makes perfect. Plus, carpet munching doesn’t have to be about cumming. It can be about foreplay too, or…because we’re bored. Or something.

It just feels good, and that’s reason enough alone to do it.

68 thoughts on “Laci’s Guide to Carpet Munching

  1. Very sweet guide! I should consider giving my partner some of these tricks – he knows how sensitive My Clit is, but sometimes he just uses it to make me spazz and twitch. XD Still fun, but it doesn’t usually get anywhere unless he uses a finger or two. Thanks, Laci! <3

  2. oh gosh, that licking-your-fingertip-to-practice advice was genius! I have a vagina but I’ve totally been practicing on my own fingertip for like 2 minutes. practice makes perfect, right? :)

  3. when we’re bored!!! love it!!!! XD but most of what was covered I kinda already knew. I actually talk to my partners!!! what’s so bad about a simple, “do you like this?” or “what can I do to make it feel better?” XP and I like to kiss the inside of the thigh, I’ve gotten great response from that one. ;-)

    As always, great post and I love all the work you do!!!! stay sex+!!! =D

  4. Something I’ve found that drives my partner crazy is gentle fingers. Gently running your finger tips, just softly enough to envoke some chills, over her breasts, along her ribs, over her hips. Throwing in gentle bites on her favorite spots are also good.

    As a man, I’ve practiced the finger/tongue exercise for years because I love doing and my uncle actually told me to do it. It also helps keep you from cramping when you’re actually going down.

  5. I once had this girl who really wanted to know how to give the best blowjob. So I sat and told her EVERYTHING I liked and holy SHI*! She gave me the most amazing blowjobs I have ever EVER had! A guide like this really really works! Turns out that since then (This was like 3 years ago), every guy she’s ever been with says she gave them the best blowjobs they’ve ever had! (If your reading this Shalise, come see me, I haven’t had a blowjob like that since you ;) )

  6. nice, usually I’ve found it’s best to just consult whoever is attached to the clit in question… the general rules are the same usually (don’t be to rough, foreplay, lubrication) but every clit is different and finding the right pressure and rhythm etc requires a bit of team work.

    As an aside, Laci, do you have any advice for someone who can’t give oral sex? (to vagina or penis owners)
    I typically cannot go down on my partners (it’s very painful for me usually), with penises this isn’t too much an issue (it’s really easy to make them cum with or without oral in my experience) but with vaginas lack of oral seems to complicate things a bit… fingering can only get you so far with some people, and toys and such aren’t always an option!

    • Is the act of bending down painful or is it painful for your mouth?

      If it’s bending down then I would suggest having your partner sit somewhere high so that if you wanted to you could still engage in it but while sitting or standing as opposed to bending over or being on your knees.

      Also if it’s comfortable to lie down you could either lie down on them or lie down and have them lie down on you.

        • Take breaks…. when your mouth hurts from licking the clit too much, lick down to the hole and just move around a bit! It’s a great tease… and then go back to the clit when your mouth is ready again.

        • To build up your jaw muscles so you can keep you mouth open longer chew gum a couple times a day and increase your chewing time as your jaw gets stronger. Use sugar free gum to avoid cavities. Alternate that with hard candy sugar free again or breath mints / peppermint discs and do the finger flicking exercises on the candy while inside your mouth this builds up tongue sensitivity and pressure control. When the big day arrives you will be ready. Have fun

  7. Fantastic, Laci. I wish you had been around when I was growing up. I think the kids/young people/older people can really benefit from the work you do.

  8. This is a good read.

    Laci, would you happen to have a similar post about fellatio?
    when it comes to carpet munching, I hit all the right spots and it takes my gf like 5 minutes to cum,but she has been feeling kind of inadequate lately because she can’t do the same for me. I told her she doesn’t have to force herself, but she continues to try and she gets discouraged.

    any help please?

  9. As usual you are an amazing educator! I told one of my friends about you and he’s now just as in love with your videos as I am! We reference you when we’re talking about stuff!

    I can’t wait to use this on future partners! Thanks so much for all you do!

  10. That’s why communication is so important. It’s not about how “skilled” you are. It’s about how well you communicate.

    (Well, of course, and then how much you try/care, but I’m assuming you aren’t an ass, lol.)

  11. Prescription drugs can be a factor in difficulty with orgasms. I was on Zoloft, an anti-depressant medication, and it was almost impossible for me to cum! As a man, this was extremely frustrating! Being able to ejaculate is much more important I think to a guy for sexual satisfaction and relief. I was in a long-distance relationship at the time & having phone sex, and the girl I was with was cumming several times but I couldn’t cum at all! She thought she was doing something wrong. As soon as I was off the medication, though, everything was back to normal. But when I was on the Zoloft I could get aroused very easily and had no problems getting an erection. So I would be hard for a long time & no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t cum!!! Normally people think of drugs like Viagra to help men with arousal problems. But no one ever thinks that men can actually have problems cumming! Laci, maybe you should do an episode of Sex+ on how prescription medications & other drugs can affect the body when having sex or masturbating. I think it’s important for women & men to know that if their partner is on a prescription medication & there are sexual problems, it is very important for the partner to be sensitive that there may be issues that are caused by the medication and that IT IS NOT THEIR FAULT. THEY AREN’T DOING ANYTHING WRONG. It is also good to know that once that person is off the medication, they hopefully will return back to normal as I did & will no longer have any problems. :)

    • Thats actually a really interesting/good idea about. I also take some medications that may or may not affect my sex drive, so it’s interesting to see other information about enhancements and drug stuff.

  12. Now I know why it’s difficult to get rid of the “no, you’re not my girlfriend” women….a good date, doesn’t make it a long term relationship, just a good date.

  13. Just goes to show – my clit would enjoy the complete opposite and be very unappreciative of tongue-tip flicking etc. There is no one trick to giving good head, except for perhaps communication. And writing your own guide is a good place to start :)

  14. I have found some of the do’s/don’ts are very dependent on the girl in question. Now granted the stuff you have listed is a good place to start. I started like that as a matter of fact. I saw it in a porno, so I tried it, and it was VERY well received.

    Guidance helps, because she has an idea what she likes. Experimenting is good too, because you can introduce her to something new. I do it from the perspective of “what would feel good, given the anatomical facts of the organs in question?”.

    I’ve found placing the tongue on the clit, and gliding it back and forth, so the point of contact goes from the tip to the base of the tongue works quite well. Applying gentle suction by puffing out your lips and sucking it in between them is enjoyed by all too. The trick is how hard to suck, as that will have a great deal of variance, not only from person to person, but in different arousal states.

    G-spot stimulation at the same time is liked by some, but not everyone.

    I think where most guys go wrong is they look at it from their point of view, and about how they want to put their tongue there. I always looked at from the point of view of how best to stimulate it.

    I have also found people of both sexes are a bit clit-centric so to speak. I’ve found starting with other parts of the vulva and moving in is always well enjoyed. I actually enjoy taking it a little beyond that. There is something about teasing I really like. Moving closer to the ultimate target is more fun if she is squirming and just itching for you to go there. The reaction when you finally do reach the clit is always better that way too. It’s quite a turn-on.

  15. Thank you so much for writing this…everyone should read it, I’ve yet to have ONE person do this correctly :( and then they get mad at me for not having the right reaction, and when I try to tell them what they are doing wrong they get mad at me about it. My last ex actually BRUISED my clit, and the one before managed to give me a scar with his finger nail…and they wonder why I pushed them away. Just way too aggressive, I’m actually afraid to let anyone try again.

    • I have found suggesting different ideas (a la “Know what would probably be really great?” or “I bet I’d like it if you did this.”) instead of critiquing (“I don’t like it when you do that.” or “Can you not do such’n'such?”) coaxes better reactions from the person who wasn’t doing that great of a job. Make them feel like they can do better, instead of not doing poorly. It may sound like the same thing, but there is a HUGE difference!

      This is a general rule for all conversations or arguments. Leave out the negatives! Focus on the positives.
      Don’t say “Never” or “Always”, and try to make it about you rather than about them.


      P.S. A nice romantic conversation about what you’d like to do to each other is GREAT foreplay-foreplay, too. Plus, hey, it might just get you ready to trust that person to try those things you were talking about. ;) Good luck!

  16. Great advice Laci!I will definitely pass it to my man friends.Is there any possibility of you doing this same format but for blow jobs?

  17. Thank Laci, soooo much useful knowledge :D

    Unfortunatelly noone to try on at the time :( I sure could use a “Carpet munching Hero” of some sort :P

  18. I have a lot of hang-ups around me and how I am during sex due to a lot of quite messed up situations in the last 3 years (although these have been nearly all messed up in an emotional way rather then a sexual way, but in my head it always merges in together). This has lead to me feeling that I’m rubbish in bed, but being too scared to actually look into how and who I am in bed. Every time I read or watch one of Sex+ vlogs and blogs, it opens me up more and more and I really feel like I’m going to start opening myself up to developing myself for myself and learning some new tidbits on the way!

    You have such a way with words that allows you to make what, for a lot of people, is a very awkward topic, completly open, funny and endearing!

    Thank you Lace!

  19. Intresting, to be honest I was getting a little turned on reading your article but I digress I’m contained, phew.

  20. I wish I knew my clit the way you know yours! I’m hypersensitive to touch so too much stimulation always hurts and too little always tickles or annoys me, so my partner and I are too scared to try any carpet munching anymore. :P We usually end up just going straight to sex or me giving him a hand- and/or blow-job because neither of us can figure out what I like. Do you maybe have any suggestions to help fix this?

    • Try massaging the area AROUND The Area. If you (or he) rubs a finger on either side of your clit, maybe 1/2 inch away from the clit itself, you might find some enjoyment…

      This might be enough to get you off and/or enough to change your internal state enough to allow for more direct stimulation, and/or Other Fun Things. Also, do try G-Spot stimulation – you specifically are likely to be highly responsive to it.

    • My partner and I had this problem since I hadn’t had much experience before we started dating. I was hyper sensitive to EVERYTHING. Stimulation over the clitoral hood is a great option, and can help you get the sensation without it being overwhelming. Also, for some girls, having their legs together rather than spread can help. For me, the tendency to get overwhelmed after a while, but it can be really frustrating. Hope this helps!

    • Hmmm never thought of trying it with my legs closed. I’ll have to try that – thank you! And thank you for your help too, James!

    • I have this problem too! Try masturbating with underwear/pants on. You can be as rough as you want and the texture of your clothes rubbing against the clit is actually very stimulating and fun as well :P

  21. LOVED this. My lover sometimes gets a little too into it, and if he sees that my pleasure is building, will take that as a sign that he’s supposed to rub me harder. And when I tell him to keep up with the LIGHT touches, he gets so confused….SURELY the only way to make her cum is by rubbing her clit so hard that it hurts to pee for the next few hours…

  22. I am the proud owner of a vagina.
    And I mostly sleep with other vagina-havers.
    And I can say that, for the most part, the LADIES are just as lost as the MEN.

    One would think that HAVING a vulva, means you KNOW how to please one…not always true.

    I have slept with many women and thought to myself “this totally isn’t working” and have also been on the receiving end and thought, “wow this person has no clue what the fuck they’re doing”.


    talk to your partner, they are the only one who knows whats up!

  23. I once made a girl climax using my middle finger in the “come here” motion, it works really well as foreplay/mid sex/after play.

  24. Slow and steady wins the race. The worst thing a guy can definitely do is to rush it. If you go too fast, you get tired fast, and you’ll overwork the clit and it’ll go numb [at least, for me]. That is not a good situation for anyone, because it’s game over from that point on. Nothing you do will bring it back to climaxy-goodness.

    My ex gave me the best oral I’d ever had. And the best fingering. If that was reason enough to stay with someone, I would have.

    • My wife has had the same problem with numbness when I’m too eager to please, I’ve sometimes got her to climax when I started humming on her clit & dialed down the aggression with my mouth & tongue after I had made her numb. I saw that no one mentioned humming in their repertoire, my wife loves it! Since she doesn’t want to use toys I thought it was only natural to simulate what they do. As. far as the G-spot thing I am new to using fingers (old fashioned maybe) it doesn’t seem like I always do it right, I try to communicate with her on this but I don’t think she even knows where her G-spot is, as she doesn’t masturbate. Any help would be appreciated on that subject, be very specific please.

  25. Some people don’t know what they want or have a hard time putting it into words so if that’s the case rating your partners action from 1-10 can really be helpful.

    You can learn what your partner like and don’t like pretty quickly that way assuming that he or she can be honest.

  26. I really love going down on a woman. I’ve recently met a woman whose whole body reinforces her words – I get to enjoy DATY several times a day – usually at her request. Neither of us can get enough it would seem.

  27. My wife has had the same problem with numbness when I’m too eager to please, I’ve sometimes got her to climax when I started humming on her clit & dialed down the aggression with my mouth & tongue after I had made her numb. I saw that no one mentioned humming in their repertoire, my wife loves it! Since she doesn’t want to use toys I thought it was only natural to simulate what they do. As. far as the G-spot thing I am new to using fingers (old fashioned maybe) it doesn’t seem like I always do it right, I try to communicate with her on this but I don’t think she even knows where her G-spot is, as she doesn’t masturbate. Any help would be appreciated on that subject, be very specific please.

  28. Well put, Ms Green – I think the boys points of view and technique about licking the Nether Region on a girly have been ruined by porn. You don’t flick your tongue over the Little Man in The Boat and instantly bring the girl to the Petit Mort – it requires finesse and patience. I have met women in my life that have told me “..I don’t like oral…I’ll do it , but I hate having it done…” So, I convince them to let me try. To date, I have not let a girl down. I’ve always been able to make my lady cum. Why? I think because I’m willing to put the time and effort into making her Gunga-Din happy. It’s an art-form and I love doing it. I am the guy that talks, asks questions, keeps saying “is this okay” or “do you like this?” I think if more guys concentrated on getting the girl’s pussy perfect and less time on their John Thomas, girls would not be so frustrated with us and maybe be a little happier and more satisfied when it comes to taking care of Momma Nature.
    Thanks for the dit – as always, you gave me something interesting to read.

    Glen – Manchester NH

  29. This post brings back a memory.

    I remember a girlfriend in college asking me what I was doing the first time that I started going down because “that’s nasty”.

    Her reaction quickly changed to “more” and “don’t stop”, and she woke me up the next morning, saying “please…”.

    I also had a good teacher who taught me that a woman knows her body better than I do so I’ve to ask my over to guide me and teach me what feels good for her.

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