Ok, does anybody else find the term “carpet muncher” totally endearing? I love it.
My experience with carpet munching/oral sex/eating out/cunnilingus/giving head/going down goes as follows:
People with vaginas: know what’s up.
People without vaginas: do not know what’s up.
The majority of my partners (sorry babes….hey why are you lurking my blog?) have been oh-so-valiant warriors in their efforts to master the munching of carpets…but alas, good head is a fleeting luxury. As sensitive and magical as My Clit might be, it does require a bit of pampering before she will do any tricks for you. I am writing this blog to give an account of the guide I wish I’d had a few years ago to hand over and ask “could you do this?” –accompanied of course by adorable eyelash batting and “you’re so wonderful-ing” so as not to bruise my beau’s already wavering confidence in bed.
This blog is about My Clit. If you want to better the oral sex you’re having, try writing (or verbalizing) a guide to Your Clit for your partner. If you don’t know what to do, consider the pointers here, and ask your partner the questions you have as well.
YES, PLEASE. MORE.
Just like I’ve done my carpet-munching homework by being tested & taking care of my sexual health, please do your homework as well! Before we get into bed, I expect you to know your sexual health status.
I also expect you to know my basic anatomy. You should be able to identify my anus, vagina, labia, and clit. Remember, My Clit is that little nub at the top of my inner labia. My Clit will become more pronounced as I become aroused. If you are having trouble finding it at first, I can help you with that.
Unless we have 5 minutes or someone’s about to bust through the door, the starting point should never, ever be in between my legs. Do foreplay our foreplay’s foreplay. Sexy talk, kissing, touching my favorite spots, and rubbing up on me are all better places to start than My Clit. Once you have given sufficient time for My Clit to stir from her slumber, you are welcome to visit her with your hands and tongue.
Please, please do always be gentle with My Clit. Think featherlight grazes, licks, and strokes of the fingers. Please do not mush My Clit into my pelvis or rub it abrasively with dry hands, she responds much more readily to a graceful, lightly lubricated touch. Do feel free to vary the pressure and tempo of that touch. When you can see me getting excited, My Clit is probably ready for more.
If you don’t have a clit, do think of My Clit like the head of your penis. Rhythmic, gentle strokes are the key. She also enjoys being sucked and nibbled – albeit gently. Don’t worry about getting too fancy with your tongue – that can be entertaining, but the old reliable rhythm is always a winner.
Do remember that My Clit and My G-Spot are the best of friends – in fact, there’s evidence to suggest they’re one and the same. If you’d like to invite My G-Spot to the party, fingers with trimmed nails can add some spice to carpet munching. Insert one finger (if I’m not wet on the outside, please use some lube or your mouth to save me a flinch) and knead the upper wall of my vagina – closest to my stomach – with a “come here” motion.
Do get into it. Talking sexy to me, making eye contact, working attentively, and otherwise focusing on My Clit all tell me that you’re into it. That makes me feel like mfking goddess.
Please do pay attention when my body moves. These movements are your teacher and will make you a master of pleasure. If I move my hips up, I am giving you a cue about where I want your tongue on My Clit. If I move the same way on repeated occasions, this is a hint about what spots and angles are best for me.
Should your mouth/tongue need a break, do attend to that. My breasts and mouth also love having and giving company. If you intend to keep me moving toward orgasm, do keep your fingers on My G-Spot while you break. We could also shake it up by letting me work on myself with fingers or a vibe, 69ing, or giving you a turn.
When I start to cum, do keep fingering or licking me until I nudge you off of My Clit. If you stop right as I start to cum, My Clit loses some momentum.
As we work toward orgasm, please don’t try to rush me. If I feel like we’re in a hurry it will distract me and make it harder for me to cum.
Please, please don’t manhandle My Clit.
Please don’t lap your tongue on My Clit as if you are eating an ice cream cone. Remember: quick, rhythmic, gentle strokes. Try flicking the tip of your finger with your tongue to practice. You should learn to keep a rhythmic stroke going without losing contact with the tip of your finger.
Please don’t be afraid to ask me any questions about My Clit along the way. If you are unsure of what My Clit wants, I am happy to help you while you are going down on me. Clarifying questions (do you like this? would you prefer this…or this?) make it easier and hotter for both of us.
Lastly, don’t worry if I don’t have an orgasm while you’re going down on me. There are lots of factors that go into the orgasms of My Clit. If I am nervous, tired, not horny enough, or either of us is inexperienced, that can make it harder to cum. Practice makes perfect. Plus, carpet munching doesn’t have to be about cumming. It can be about foreplay too, or…because we’re bored. Or something.
It just feels good, and that’s reason enough alone to do it.