She doesn’t want to give head.

email tiem.

I’ve been having some trouble with my girlfriend when it comes to
oral sex. I love giving oral sex, so I eat her out whenever I get the
chance. The problem is, however, that she doesn’t like doing the same for
me. I do not in any way feel entitled to receiving oral sex just because I
give it, but it does bum me out somewhat.

…It seems like a hopeless situation, and I’m simply starting to come to
terms with the fact that I’ll probably never get to experience a proper
blowjob again if our relationship lasts. This really bums me out, as
receiving oral sex is my favorite sexual activity… so I thought I could
at least ask you before giving up completely.

Not wanting to eat out/give head to a partner comes up soooo often. Whether it’s because it feels degrading, hurts their mouth (it happens), is an ick factor, or makes them doubt their prowess (“am i doing it right?”) it seems like a reality that some people just don’t like giving oral sex.

I used to be one of those people when I first became sexually active. Oral sex on a penis was one of the more off-putting aspects of sex and I wasn’t into it. While I didn’t avoid it because I felt like I had to do it, I also didn’t really look forward to it. The cum tasted gross and made me want to gag. It was physically uncomfortable. Every minute was a pain in the ass.

But with more sexual experience, that changed.

I do think that, for many people, sexual experience changes their relationship with oral sex. They become more comfortable with it and develop a taste for giving pleasure to their partner as their sexual identity matures. It becomes less “icky” and more sexy. For many people….but not for all.

While I’ve not personally heard from many very sexually experienced folk who don’t like oral, I’m sure they do exist. There is perhaps something concretely off-putting about oral for some peeps that isn’t just about discomfort with something new.

What can you do in this situation?

The solution comes down to this:

You have a right to get your needs met. It’s not unreasonable to want sexual satisfaction out of your relationship.

BUT!….You must respect your partners needs & boundaries. People will often make sacrifices for their partner’s pleasure even though they’re uncomfortable, but this can’t be an expectation — it’s just a luxury, if you will.

That in mind,

you have a few options. :)

(1) Compromise. Get to the bottom of why she doesn’t like it so that you can propose viable solutions. It may help to try to find a balance that works for both of you, whether that means only getting oral once in awhile, only doing it after a shower, or modifying the taste of your cum. This could also be an opportunity to talk about opening your relationship (though if you’ve always been monogamous & have never talked about this before, this might not be the best way to explore the idea with your partner). Looking at the rest of your email, it looks like you’ve tried to compromise and it didn’t work.

(2) Make her more comfortable. Give it some time. If this sex stuff is new for her, she may need to adjust to the idea. Be sensitive to her needs. Be patient, communicative, and respectful and she may warm up to it faster. When she does do it, express your appreciation & tell her how good she is/how much you enjoy it. Make the experience as comfortable as possible for her and you will both benefit.

(3) Let it go. You may decide that getting oral sex is something you can sacrifice for this relationship.

(3) Declare incompatibility. It’s a shitty reality when you’re in a relationship: sometimes people who are romantically compatible are sexually incompatible. Tbh, this is part of why I think the whole “no sex before marriage” thing is unhealthy & harmful to long term satisfaction. If you really enjoy oral sex and your partner really doesn’t….and neither is budging….you may not be compatible in bed. For me, and perhaps for you, sexual compatibility is really important in a relationship. If you’ve been sensitive, accommodating, and tried to find a work-around but are still unsatisfied…IMO, sexual incompatibility is a justifiable reason to leave a relationship.

You always have choices. I hope this helps you to think about which one might work best for you in your situation.

86 thoughts on “She doesn’t want to give head.

  1. The best, but not easiest, solution is to practice polyamory. Then you can find another partner who will satisfy desires your first partner won’t. The best way to get into polyamory is to find polyamorous communities near you. If you have a partner, your partner needs to be enthusiastic about this exploration. If not, you need to end that relationship because poly people generally aren’t interested in relationships with cheaters.

    • Depends on how you define best. I think the options Lacy named are pretty all-encompassing when it comes to this issue. All are equally ‘best’, it just depends on the kind of person you and your partner are. Polyamory is not that common, and that has reasons. Heck, my spell-checker doesn’t even recognize polyamory as a word. =P

      It’s a pretty sucky (pun intended =P) situation, and you just have to do so soul searching and then talk to you partner about the findings. There’s no real answer or solution besides: find what works for all parties involved. Important is that all parties involved bit…

      I hope he and his gf can find some common ground!

    • The best for you does not mean for him ( or anyone else for matter) . And “how about polyamory then?” may very well come off to her like “okay if I find some other random chick to give me head?”.

      • Long term, I think polyamory IS best for a fairly large percentage of the population. Just you wait a few generations, and it’ll be the norm.

        Unfortunately, we don’t live then, we live now. And now, sadly, poly is harder than it should be, specifically because of the type of response you posit.

        For this relationship, there are a few things that might be observed. I wonder to what extent the questioner is doing it because he enjoys it, and to what extent he is doing it in hopes of getting something out of it. It’s fine either way, but I feel some honest self-examination might be useful there. Also, her general responses to sexuality are important. If she is not very sexualized, she may take years and years to get past this; and that’s if they work on it in caring, open discussion. If this type of thing is left unexamined, it may never get resolved. Alternatively if she IS more receptive, but just not that into head specifically, spending a little time and effort to connect her emotional connection between time with the penis and her sexual satisfaction might go a long way.

        (Translation: Treat it as a Special Thing – no pressure, lots of understanding. BUT any time she does it, be sure she gets rewarded with all the orgasms you can give her… and if she’s at all receptive, she’ll eventually connect fellatio with happy, good feelings. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Operant_conditioning )

        And before you imagine this is at all manipulative, realize that you ARE doing this at all times with everyone you see regularly. The point is simply to be more conscious about it.

        • “specifically because of the type of response you posit.”

          Chill out, I wasn’t attacking poly in anyway. Just wanted to point out Silenus made it sound like it works for everyone, with I don’t think is the case. And I said she might take it the wrong way, not that it is how poly actually is/works.

        • I don’t think we should condition our partners the same way, and with the same consciousness, as we do our pets. There is a difference between trying to change someones perspective and or attitude, and operant conditioning. You can’t just manipulate your partner into giving head…

          Also, have you looked at history? It’s in our DNA to be monogamists. Sure we (primarily: people with penises) had mistresses, but we moved away from that concept for various reasons that I will lead you to explore yourself. Poly might work for some, but it will never be something super major. It’s just not in the genes. It’s not so much hard as it is unnatural. In the same way being gay is unnatural: it goes against the logic of nature (continue reading please, before freaking out…). But we’ve told natures logic to fuck off a long time ago, and we just do whatever feels good to us. =P But still the large majority will go with their instincts and gut feeling. And as long as we keep stagnating evolution-wise, that will not change. Most people are heterosexual monogamists. It has been that way for hundreds of years and will remain that way for many more.

          • “Also, have you looked at history? It’s in our DNA to be monogamists.”

            DNA is a part of biology. Therefore, history can never prove something is in our DNA. Just as the Darwinian theory is irrelevant when examining the Cuban missile crisis.

            “Sure we (primarily: people with penises) had mistresses”

            Anything to back up the claim that adultery is committed mostly by males?

            And polyamory and homosexuality are not unnatural. It’s a strange tendency to push everything of into “that’s natural”. Homosexuality is not uncommon among (other) animals. And in the Greek age, many men had a wife and a male lover. It is quite recent (and in a way, a homophobic invention) that we place people in strict the categories of gay, straight or bi.
            There are enough examples of cultures where polyamory is the norm (more commonly one male having many wives, but the other way around to). Hell, except for the obvious body parts, there is not much we can establish as “naturally” different between males and females. Again, plenty of other cultures where the gender division is organized radically different.

            In short, be careful when using the word “natural”. What may seem natural to us, is very often culturally constructed.

            • I love your response to the word “natural”
              according to Darwinian theory… if we want to go there… we evolved from primates, and many primate species carry on polyamorous relationships, in fact most do… one male and a group of females, most often actually though you find groups of three males or more with at least two females for each male. eastern society because of religious views have said sex with a female is only for procreation, any sex for pleasure is offered by males to other males, so our hetero-monogomous societal views are completely cultural.

              sorry for all the big words, though they are all self explanatory :)

          • The reason many, many MANY people break up with each other is that they associate person X with bad feelings. How do you suppose those associations come to be? It couldn’t POSSIBLY be because person X does punishing things, could it? I mean negative reinforcement couldn’t be that effective, could it? Here’s one thought on the matter:
            “The behavior of all animals, from protists to humans, is guided by its consequences.”
            -taken from http://www.scholarpedia.org/article/Operant_conditioning

            If you think we DON’T condition the people around us like pets, you’ve never thought about that fact that “you catch more flies with honey,” or about the phrase “positive reinforcement” as it is applied in childcare, and employee relations, and sports coaching, and military basic training, et cetera, et cetera.

            Also… the idea that it’s just men who sleep around in nature is ITSELF a social construct.

            It is known that female chimpanzees will mate with many males, specifically to minimize infanticide. This is called paternity confusion,
            http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1088898/
            …and it is suspected to be related to the fact that most women take longer to come to orgasm than most men.

            So if you are advocating “natural” behaviours, you might consider how that relates to orgies…

            Or you might observe that homo sapiens copulates for a variety of reasons, few of which are directly related to impregnation, and leave it at that.

            My belief in the future of ployamory is based on the general utility of ANOTHER social construct; the concept of fair play. We teach our children that sharing, and giving, and unselfishness are The Right Thing To Do. Unless it has anything to do with a relationship, in which case “all’s fair in love and war”. Which is why the dating pool seems like it’s filled with so many nutcases. if jealousy and selfishness are held up as virtues, how can people AVOID being crazy? Listen to the lyrics to “Before He Cheats” again, and ask yourself what happens if she was mistaken about him ever having cheated.

            Conversely, I believe that when I’m not currently having happy sexy loving fun with my GF, it is a shame if nobody else is, either. I WANT her to be happy, I LIKE her to be happy, and I feel more secure when I know I’ve provided an environment where she CAN be as happy as possible.

            Which includes unnatural things like dental care and indoor plumbing as well as completely natural things like fscking the people who make her happy.

    • Eh. There’s nothing wrong with monogamy and there’s nothing wrong with polyamory. Both have their challenges, both have their benefits. Just as I would never say “the easiest solution is to practice monogamy”, I would never say “the easiest solution is to practice polyamory”. No doubt that relationship styles are much more flexible than people think they are, but they should never be forced, nor made out to be an “ultimate solution” to anything.

      I often hear these arguments made by polyamorists, nudists, people who don’t want to get married, etc and it’s preachy, fallacious reasoning. Just because something would work for you in a given situation, does not mean that is an absolute. The solution to various sexual styles could be polyamory, and I would encourage those open to it to try it, but let’s not pretend like there aren’t other solutions as well. Additionally, while polyamory may solve one problem (like this one), it can create others.

      Respectfully disagree with your opinion.

      • Sorry; I should be clearer.

        Polyamory DOES create loads of other problems. Any situation that requires people to behave in specific ways to exist guarantees those problems. I’m not saying it’s easier; I’m saying that it is a higher level of “relationship technology”.

        Like any other technology, you need to learn to work it, or you will simply have created a bigger, faster, more powerful way to drive off a cliff.

        I don’t believe that polyamory will be more common because it’s easier; I believe more people will be sufficiently mentally healthy to cope with the complexities of taking their partners’ partners feelings into account. 100 years ago, the acme of childcare was “spare the rod and spoil the child”. 50 years ago, it was hugely controversial and newsworthy that high-schools started giving sex-ed. 40 years ago, the CONCEPT of spousal rape as a problem was barely conceivable. We learn, year after year, and generation after generation, more about what makes people, and relationships, tick. and year after year, we drag more and more of the population into the modern era. Every generation, more people are out there, who can be taught to be polite even when the cards on the table are people’s hearts.

        A couple of years ago one of my secondaries and her BF broke a condom… and suddenly she had some hard decisions to make. Those decisions affected her, and her husband, and BF, and BF’s wife… I have no idea HOW many lives were impacted in major ways. (she and I are squeeze toys; nothing serious – I wasn’t one of those people) How many marriages could survive that? By the way, her youngest son, who looks nothing like her hubs, is a truly lovely toddler.

        I’m not advocating for polyamory; frankly I know too many people who identify as poly who are nightmarish at relationships; the community does NOT need to do any recruiting just now.

        I just feel that we as a culture do have the time and energy to dedicate ourselves to Maslow’s upper levels in a way that has never happened before. And one thing that some (but definitely not all) people want… is simply more people time.

          • She probably feels like she isn’t in charge most likely. You need to probably show her that she is. The best way to do that and the funnest at least for me.

            Is to let her or rather ask or even insist that she “Tie or Cuff Your Hands Behind You”. Before she Deep Throats you. I got my hands cuffed behind me just like a little skater punk by a hard core cop everytime I take my clothes off first. Which uniformally mean oral time!

            Whenever she undresses I that’s when she’s on the bottom.

  2. “(3) Get over it. You may decide your relationship with this person is more important than getting this particular need met.”

    I love that you always give this advice. I find that people often leave it out or only mention it as unacceptable when dicussing relationships.

    I think every relationship would end if no one was willing to put up with any minor issue. When it comes to “Getting over it” I think it’s just a matter of deciding if it is bad enough that you can’t ignore it or overall good enough that you can let the issue slide.

    I have some more thoughts on this guy’s issue, but I found it difficult to tell from the email without a few more pieces of information what I think I’d need to give any further reasonable advice. How long has the relationship been? (So how likely she might just sexual explore more down the line.) Why doesn’t she like it? (Can she get over it eventually or is it a static issue?) And I forgot the last thing.

    Something… something… get a blowjob. I don’t remember. Well, good luck.

  3. I used to give head a lot when I first started becoming sexually active with men (women I’ve had no problems with). With my partner know (whom I’ve been with for over 2 years), I don’t find myself liking oral sex any more. My partner is very large and I have a lopsided jaw making oral extremely unconformtable for me. Jaw surgery isn’t in the question. Also, his semen is extremely potent. He doesn’t have the best diet ever so it makes me really sick. I do still give him oral every so often, but I know not as often as he’d like. I think if you have issues like I do, you should try to do it as more of a foreplay before sex so you don’t have a blast of semen in your mouth or hurt your jaw! Plus, your partner gets some extra pleasure.

    • You could also see a registered/licensed Massage Therapist (like me! – or someone in your area) once or twice a week for a month or so and get them to work on the muscles of your jaw to correct the ‘lopsided’ness. A lot of people have TMJ (jaw) issues and it can make oral sex, opening their mouths to yawn and other normal/fun things pretty painful, not to mention the headaches it can cause. If you have coverage, I would totally recommend going to see an RMT and get it worked on. You’d be surprised how quickly you can see a change.

      I think Laci has a video about how to get his cum to taste better too, but if you still aren’t up for oral, that’s cool. :)

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  4. Another thing that can have an impact on the enjoyment of the person giving the oral is if they have orthodontics of any kind [eg braces on teeth].
    I know this as the one period of my life where I just didn’t want to was when i had my braces [I was in my 20s, a bit late I know] – I was afraid of doing damage, and it hurt my mouth if the braces had just been tightened.
    PS would it be cliché to bring up flavored Condoms and a possible compromise?

    • Flavored condoms are AMAZING in my opinion. I love using them if I don’t particularly like the taste of a guy’s semen but love giving them oral. I would definitely see that as a viable option.

      • Or if it’s an issue of hygiene (she finds the area to be unsanitary, thus it going in her mouth is a no-no), I know our local sex shop sells special wipes for cleaning before and after sexual activities. Makes it a lot less… Funky. (No offense to the male equipment) Or there’s the option of flavored lubes, or even something to help with the gag reflex if that’s the issue. Science, bitches!

  5. As one of the (possibly few) people who can’t give oral very often because it’s physically painful for me, I have to admit that for some relationships it’s been a deal breaker. If you can’t compromise, then you need to decide if it’s something you can live without, and if not, it may be time to move on.
    Find out why she won’t, and work on solutions, if that fails consider how important it is to you and decide if you’ll be able to go without for her.

  6. I’m learning about sexual incompatability right now. I’m 51 years old already and am still learning about sex. I’ve been with my current girlfriend for over 5 years and although we are unbelievably compatable in most other ways, it just isn’t working sexually, and never really has with us.

    So now? Well, some of the options talked about here apply to my situation as well.
    Open relationship?
    Put up with it (go without sex?)
    Put an end to it

    At the moment I have no other choice than to just do it myself…

  7. yeah as a 29 year old virgin i worry that if i ever manage to get a s/o that well i just wont be “compatible” with them sexuality wise. that is if it ever goes that far.

    • I wouldn’t worry about that too much — you may end up finding yourself in a self-sabotaging mindset! Being an older virgin can be intimidating because of the expectation to have had sex when you were younger, but if you find an open-minded person who is genuinely into you, it’s unlikely that lack of experience will be a problem.

      • i know but i have clinical depression so that self sabotaging is already present along with a million other issues. yet i can’t help but learn everything i can about sex. i’m weird.

        • I agree with Fatty; you’d be surprised how un-weird you probably are. =P

          Also I think saying: “I am kinda in a sucky place right now”, works better than “I have clinical depression”. I mean, no offense, but saying that is just a bit of a downer. =P I mean, I’ve been depressed, like on the boundary of needing some serious help (which is boundary that is very personal imo). But I’ve always thought of it as a phase, and that really helped me to stay positive, as much as a depressed person can be anyway.

          I hope you get out of it! Being weird is way more fun when you’re not depressed =P

          • yeah i wish it was just a phase but I’ve had depression since i was at least 11 was diagnosed at age 18. at this point it’s as much of me as anything else is.

    • Young men tell each other that getting a nice car will get you sex. No, wait, it was joining a sports team. Or was it more money?

      The only thing I’ve seen that has much effect at all is turning 40. In the past few years I’ve been hit on FAIRLY regularly. Yes, that’s right, I’VE been hit on; as a guy, I pretty much considered THAT vanishingly unlikely.

      So hang it there. it really DOES get better.

  8. Okay so, I kinda have the same issue just other way around. I can’t stand my boyfriends cum, the consistency and the taste. The consistency literary looks like snot, uneven, sticky and slimy, except its white. The taste is so bad I just want to throw up. He said that he’s fine with me not swallowing, it’s rather a thing he’d want me to do if I think it’s hot, and thank god for that, but just by him cumming in my mouth makes me gag and want to throw up, I just feel like; ugh… If he comes now I’m probably gonna throw up all over us both and that’s the end of that. What can I do about it? =/

    • have you and him talked about like when he’s ready to cum that you jack him off with hands and aim him at a towel or something? it’s a option at least.

      • Well, I’ve been thinking about how to bring it up. I know how it is to not feel good about yourself, I used to be with a guy who said i smelled really bad and tasted crap, so he refused to lick me. So I’m always too considerate, as i know how it is to feel bad about oneself. I would never tell him his sperm is disgusting or anything. Anyways, I guess I can do that. I just don’t wanna put him off, but I don’t want to make it a bad experience for me either. I used to be fine with it, then my next 2 boyfriends tasted absolutely horrible and I didn’t like giving oral after that ><

        • it doesn’t necessarily have to be you telling him how gross his cum is, but that you don’t like the feeling of it in your mouth. if you can de-personalize it, it’ll help you avoid hurting his feelings. just be honest & sensitive ay :)

    • I too find the taste and texture of semen nauseating. My current partner is much better than others because his is quite thin and not very pungent. But man…there is some unpleasant ejaculate out there. In the past, I’ve remedied it with rbray’s recommendation. Also, slipping on a condom is always an option if he’s unwilling to tell you when he’s about to cum :P

    • I had that problem with an ex partner.
      I got around it either by using it as foreplay, and not doing it until he came.
      OR
      If he wanted it until he came – it had to be in the shower. I’d go right up until the last possible second – then pull away (still using my hand while he came) and let it just go on my chest – which was ok, since we were in the shower and i just had to stand up to rinse it off.
      :) hope that provides you with a potential option!

      There are things with his diet you can do to make it taste sweeter (just google, there’s lots!)
      and if it’s really thick then it might help if he makes sure he’s hydrated and drinking enough, which makes it thinner/runnier and less noticable in your mouth.
      I like giving head, but it has wound up being really thick due to dehydration a few times, and yeah, like you said – it’s like snot, which is just a turn off having in your mouth :/

      x

      • I love giving him head, but the taste and consistency is horrible. But I will try in the shower, that sounds good ^^ I guess I can try the down the troath too.

        I tend to get around it by using it as foreplay, I don’t suck him til he comes but tease him with it instead. Like I said I love giving head, but I can’t stand stand it when it enters my mouth x_X

        Thanks for replies~ :D

    • Oh, also i’ve heard that if you push the penis to the back of your mouth as he comes, and start trying to swallow then, then it just goes straight down your throat, bypassing your tongue so your not subjected to flavour or texture.

      But i reckon that’s pretty tricky to do, and could wind up pretty messy if you gagged o.o but i thought i’d throw it in there all the same.

      • That method isn’t so bad if you can pull it off, but I still find you get an aftertaste which for me defeats the whole purpose (and almost makes me feel like vomiting more). I tried to “soldier through it” which developed a total aversion for a while. I find either finishing him with my hands or only doing it as foreplay has helped me enjoy it again! Flavored condoms are also great, but be sure to wash it off before sex in case the lube has sugar in it!

    • I also hate the taste of cum — in fact, my general rule is that my face is a “no-fly zone” when it comes to body fluids. However, I really enjoy giving head to my partner, so I figured out a way to do it that works well for both of us. Not sure if people are interested in a response with that much graphic detail, but here’s a hint: you can move your mouth to a different position right at the climax, especially if you’re good with your hands. ;)

  9. For a long time I had a similar sort of problem with my ex-girlfriend. But for us, it was sex in general. I don’t fault her for it, you know, if you’re asexual, then you’re asexual – can’t be helped. We did try things before and I enjoyed it, but she never communicated with me. If I wanted to know what was going on with her, then I’d have to really confront her about it. XD She was incredibly stubborn, good on her for sticking to her guns.. just a pain in the ass when I got metaphorical blue balls whenever we were making out or something and I wanted to go further.
    It wasn’t long after we had a talk about why she just ignored me completely after one occasion (I shit thee not, I told her I needed more and she just went ‘oh’ and rolled over.). I think what made it worse was her lack of desire to explain herself, or feeling that she couldn’t – I trusted her with a lot and then it just didn’t seem equal after that. So, we split up.
    Didn’t stop me feeling cheap for a while before and after it though, but, these things happen I guess.

    Plus side, this post has made me feel a lot better about that decision. We still talk, we’re still friends, I’ve moved on and have a new girlfriend (and enjoying being sexually active with her), but we’re not quite in each others pockets as much as we used to be.

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  10. How amusing how what’s expected and normal changes with time! Have we actually reached the point where guys would regularly dump women who wont provide this sexual service…even if they like them a lot,…even if they love them?

    If so, then what the sexual revolution accomplished was simply to turn the Old Order on its head. Right up through the early 60s girl had to be a virgin or a guy would dump her. Now she has to be a willing sexual technician or a guy will dump her.

    Both situations seem equally anti-human to me. There’s not much room for love to grow when some act or behavior of the other party is generally viewed as a non-negotiable prerequisite to involvement.

    • Your comment makes it sound like this is just about a woman pleasing a man, when it’s actually about equal and total fulfillment in a relationship. It’s not about being a “sexual technician” it’s about both parties feeling sexually fulfilled – something that was perhaps not emphasized in the past. The lack of emphasis on feeling satisfied sexually is a problem, it reflects poor communication, stigma of sexuality, and erasure of the relationship between sex and romance. People should be able to experience romantic & sexual fulfillment. The “sex isn’t important (except for procreation)” mentality is the one that is being challenged here, not the idea of what women/men “should” be. Sex is important, just as important as communication, compromise, sensitivity, understanding, physical pleasure, love, romance, and total relationship satisfaction.

      • To be honest for me sexuality in a relation ship is very important and i “dumped” a boy because it didn’t worked. And yes I loved him but still it made me unhappy that it didn’t worked in bed. We talked about it a lot and I had the feeling that he wasn’t as interested in finding a solution as I was. So after a lot of crying and a lot of doubts I decided it will be the best to end this relationship. For me it was! Even though we had so much in common and loved each other I know he couldn’t be the one I would be toghether with for years. To be unsatisfied every day drives you crazy at some point.

        Love from Germany

        • I totally feel you, I’ve been in the same situation. It’s not an easy decision sometimes, especially since we’re made to feel like sex shouldn’t be important. I’m glad you did what was right for you!

    • I so get this. I mean, sex is important, no doubt about it. But we are talking about a girl not enjoying giving head. And I can totally see how this is not something worth breaking up genuine love over. Just how I think that we as human beings have a lot flaws that are very significant, however, I do not think they are all obstacles that stand between us and a healthy relationship with someone. You know, there is nothing wrong with “he can be kind of dick, but I still love him”. I don’t agree relationships are about “total relationship satisfaction” or “total fulfillment”, I think relationships are about compromises. And I think that is what lunamoth is trying to shed light on.

      • Sure, I totally agree with you. I’m arguing that compromise & satisfaction are not mutually exclusive, they happen together. You make it sound like I said “tell her to give you head or break up”. I didn’t.

        You’re right – oral sex might not be something worth breaking up a great romance over – but that’s a decision that people have the right to make. Only they can advocate for what they want out of a relationship, and they shouldn’t be shamed for it. Plus, this kind of stuff usually takes place in a grander scheme of sexual inflexibility.

        I’ve been in this situation myself. Our romantic connection was moderate (I’m not sure how strong it is for the writer), and our sexual relationship was poor. They were sexually inflexible and we liked different things. Feeling unable to connect sexually, I dumped them. It was the right choice for me. These days, I’m in a loving relationship where romance and sex and both are extremely fulfilling. I’m glad I kept looking, I didn’t need to settle for soso when I could have something awesome. Sex is important to me, just as important as romance. How important each relationship facet is lands the right of each individual to decide – not me, not you, not anyone, only them.

      • True dat. How I read it was more in a “the sex should be perfect”-way, which, you know…

        Going back to what lunamoth said, I think his/her reaction spawned from the observation that it seems like people are more and more, ending things over seemingly superficial stuff. What is superficial of course depends on the person, but I do think it’s a fair observation to make anyway. Sex is becoming less and less of a issue in most circles, and that’s great. But I also think that being so open about/laying the focus on sex can prevent you from properly developing a romantic relationship. I mean, this might be my Christian background, but in my opinion, if you love someone, like really love them, some stuff just doesn’t matter. So when you than hear of someone breaking up over not receiving head, such a thing seems kinda weird. Of course, in most cases it’s part of something not working out romantically. I think you have to be well into your romantic relationship before you can say anything real about sexual compatibly. But again, it’s very personal stuff.

        In the end, the only thing that really matters is if you are happy or not. It’s just that to some people some things can sound a lil weird to be unhappy about… =P

  11. I can relate to this email. I personally do not enjoy giving oral sex to my boyfriend, In particular.. I don’t like the semen.. I think it’s gross! But I know that he really enjoys it so we both came to a compromise… I will give him oral sex as long as he doesn’t ejaculate in my mouth. Instead It will be in my hand, on my chest, etc.. This is what works for us, he gets the pleasure he likes and I’m comfortable with how it’s done.

  12. My suggestion:
    After you get an erection, put a condom on your penis. Then, cover the condom in chocolate sauce, or peanut butter, or warm strawberry sauce, or something else she likes. Your only purpose during this adventure is to have your girlfriend get used to the idea of your penis being fun. Don’t have sex at this point! Then you’d be sticking all sorts of crap in her vagina that doesn’t belong there.
    Step 2: after the first adventure, put a condom on your penis and have her lick that. Ummm, Laci, I need some help here. After step 2 is it safe to have sex or should the person change condoms first?

    • If person A licks a condom person B is wearing, and if then person B proceeds to mount person A afterwards, that is perfectly safe. Just remember that a condom is person-bound so to speak. So if person C would walk in on the action, person B would have to put on a new condom in order to safely mount person C. =P

    • It’s nice to have the other person get WAY into it; That’s the hot thing. It may (or may not) be the hottest thing for you personally.

      I have a difficult time coming from a blowjob; so I have never come from one with my current GF. (Generally she goes at it for a bit and then I want to have intercourse, which obviates the problem of where the semen goes).

      However we spend a LOT of time with cunnilingus. Sometimes I pull out just so I can go downstairs some more. Just because it’s that freakin’ awesome when she comes. She comes from the intercourse, but she comes more/longer/harder from the cunnilingus. and it is good.

      Obviously as a (mostly) straight male, I can’t speak as well to performing fellatio; but I imagine that is a big part of it.

  13. Never underestimate the importance of sexual compatibility. It’s just as important as anything else. I think ignoring it, as so many advise isn’t wise.

    That said, I can tell you are both quite young. These early relationships don’t last. So just go with it for now. Eventually you will end up dating an adult. Even then you may find one that isn’t real into oral, and may not want to do it much. Then you’re back to compatibility. It’s kind of like if one likes bondage and the other likes vanilla, it may not work.

    The one big exception to this is people who actually want to please their partners. Maybe person A isn’t into everything person B is into, and B isn’t into everything A is into. Yet both these people understand not everything is about you, and you need to do things you’re not into to please your partner, and your partner does the same for you.

    This gets back to the adulthood thing. When people grow they (hopefully) become less self centered, and are willing to please the other person. This doesn’t just got for sex either. Would it kill him to massage her back and feet? Would it kill her to make his favorite dinner? Would it kill him to clean the bathroom? Would it kill her to do X favor or task for him? Can they both cut each other some slack if they’re feeling lazy one day?

    Maybe when you’re single it’s about you, but when your in a relationship, it’s about two.

    • And more often that not will you decide to both not do something rather than decide to both do something. I mean, you never really grow up, it’s ok to tell the kids, they will figure it out eventually anyway. =P I mean, if I don’t have to clean the bathroom, you don’t have to blow me, deal? That’s how real adults do business… ;)

      (I get the whole you need to make sacrifices stuff, and I sincerely agree, but this adulthood business is kinda a facade and as an adult yourself, you know that. =P)

  14. “You have a right to get your needs met.”

    Hahaha. No you don’t. It’s just a want. That’s what society tells me, anyway.

    • Well, there’s a fine line there too.

      Need: to be satisfied sexually, including orally if that’s what you like
      Want: to get oral every day, in a certain way, to cum in their mouth, etc.

      • Well yeah, but I think the problem sits with the ‘get’ part of “a right to get your needs met”. If anything you have a right to ‘have’ your needs met. And it’s either by your own hard work, or by the grace of someone/something else that your needs are being, will be, or have been met.

  15. This one light up the comments :)

    All I can give is my personal experience. My wife and primary life partner did not like giving head. When she was a teen a group of boys got her drunk and raped her, including forcing her to give head. A year later she loves to suck my cock.. What changed? Love, understanding, trust, and a shit ton of communication. One of the major things we talked about when it came to the subject was what it was that she did not like about it, I let her talk and accepted her answers completely. As I am bi, we compared notes (it handy sometimes to have direct experience :) ) She asked why i love giving head to both men and women, i explained how completely, insanely turned on I get knowing I have the power to make someone feel so good, to feel completely lost in the sensation of experience. Now that she trusts me, and has slowly started to see that she is in control of the moment, and that she makes me feel so good; it has become a common event in our sexual lives.

    The whole point of sharing that experience? Talk to her… best advice I can give.

  16. My boyfriend feels bad whenever I give him oral sex. He thinks it’s selfish (which is pretty nice of him hahah but I still don’t mind giving it to him). Anyway, whenever I blow him, i just finish him off with my hand (making sure his penis is really wet) and he cums into a tissue. It’s literally no big deal at all. Also he’s finished on my breasts before and he really liked that. There’s tons of ways to avoid swallowing cum if someone doesn’t like it. I hate it actually – find it disgusting and I kind of want to gag. But we’ve worked around that! :)

  17. You could also try giving her the option of using a condom during head
    while this may be slightly undesirable for you it may make her more comfortable with the idea, depending on why she doesn’t like it.
    You could even chose to spring for flavored condoms, in my experience mint is the best.

  18. I really don’t agree with the whole ‘this is why not having marriage before sex is often times unhealthy’.

    Truth be told, if he never had sexual encounters previously before this girlfriend of his, he probably wouldn’t even be aware that blow jobs were his favorite activity. Therefore fixing the problem.

    • To Simone of Ohio: So it appears you have focuesd everything on Amber Frey, you know the mistress of Scott’s? One of the many top things that came out (if you were paying attention at all) was that Scott NEVER told Amber he was married and Amber found out by watching TV. So there is NO woman scorned. That is the only reason WHY she (Amber) came forward in the first place. Scott even lied to her. Did you ever think that just maybe Laci (and it is spelled with an i ) found out about Amber and one thing led to another and things got out of hand. It could happen. If Scott strangled her she would have went into spontaneous birth with Connor. Then Scott had to behead her cause you could see where she was strangled. Ever think of that?

  19. I an entitled … I would NOT date a NON affectionate woman. How do U tell if a chick likes U … she does good worshiping. :)

    • Not giving head is not the same as not being affectionate. A person can do more to show affection than just sexual acts, and at no point does he imply that they do not have sex. In fact, he claims to give her oral frequently, which to me says they have sex quite frequently. Sex isn’t the /only/ way to show affection.

  20. I like the idea of giving head, since I like the idea of giving pleasure, but whenever I give head I start to worry if I’m doing a good enough job, if he should have cum already, and my jaw starts to hurt.

    I don’t know if this problem could simply be resolved with more practice, or if I simply only like the /idea/ of giving head.

  21. This is an interesting way to look at thngis, especially when you’re a creative like me, I need different outlets to keep me busy. My husband is really good at seeing almost anything becoming a business and sometimes it’s annoying when he suggests that I turn my habits into profits but if I do want to work solely for myself, I might have to look into this thought process. Lovely article Cassie!

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