Asexuality Chat w/ David Jay

On this Saturday’s Sex+ we talked about asexuality. If you missed it, check it out!

Here’s a continuation of the interview I had with asexual activist David Jay, founder of

For more on asexuality, visit the video description for the first video. I put a bunch of links that I found helpful for yall to check out.

Happy monday!


22 thoughts on “Asexuality Chat w/ David Jay

  1. I’ve been struggling for a while to figure out where this line is. What makes a relationship without sex romantic that one can’t say is present in close friendships?

    • The general consciences among asexuals (me being one) is that the difference between a close friendship and dating is what the people call it, and i think that’s pretty definitive. And it sounds like you’re putting such a high standing on sex in relationships, what about hugging, kissing, caressing lightly, snuggling, cuddling, and giving an arm in support? And even then what about non physical things in relationships like; empathy, understanding, affection, patience, steadfastness, loyalty, honor, companionship, and shared wisdom? If all you can see in a relationship what does that say about you?

      • I was hoping someone could give me a response without getting annoyed with me. All those qualities you stated I guess besides kissing are present in many close friendships, so you didn’t even successfully answer my question. You just let me know how shallow you think I am. Nice job.

        • I don’t disagree with Martin, and I understand you are just trying to ask a question Jane.
          First, here is my own answer for you:
          Love. Yeah close friends can love each other, but love is the difference between any friendship and any romance by definition. Part of your own struggle with these terms might come from the simple fact that out society doesn’t usually acknowledge loving friendships as romantic relationships without sexual attraction. Part of non sexually attracted romance is that its a fairly new thing for this culture to recognize and accept. Maybe you yourself have had a romantic, loving, non-sexual friendship and a loving sexual relationship at the same time. Someone who does that, who values the love towards their sexual partner and the love towards their friend as equal, has two loves in their life. Neither one is less legitimately romantic than the other.

    • It was ages ago and basically it said that not having sex made you weird there was a quote saying “I’m going to become asexual” and a lot of asexuals got annoyed as it devalued the orientation (in implying it was a choice)

  2. This was really eye opening, I had never made the distinction between romantic orientation and sexual orientations because I had never really thought about it but it makes perfect sense.

    I totally understand what you both mean about our society being so focused on sex. This was nice, knowing that there is such a strong community out there, I kind of feel better about myself in a way, I’ve always felt alone in thinking that I don’t get what all the hype is about, even though I have a really active sex life. It’s constantly made me curious, why is everyone so obsessed with sex? I mean, it’s not terrible but I don’t have this burning desire and preoccupation with getting laid. Maybe I’ve just never had good partners? Maybe I need to try new things? Ironically it’s made me more interested in sex because I don’t understand what everyone is so hung up about and I want to experience what everyone is so passionate about.

    The bit in the video where you spoke about people using sex as a way to connect really resonated with me. I feel like that is the primary reason I have sex ( i feel like that’s a bad thing), and not necessarily for sexual gratification. Does that make me a type of asexual then…haha who knows, it doesn’t bother me so much, I feel like sometimes everyone is a little too focused on finding labels for themselves. Just be.

    I really like the idea of trying to find ways of connecting with people on higher planes and I feel like I’ve definitely managed to do that with certain people without ever having had sex with them.

  3. I’m not here to judge but they have a term for this already.

    Hypoactive sexual desire disorder

    Now I’m not trying to piss anyone off but I am just pointing it out.

    • I think the HSDD classification is misleading, but most classifications are. Putting things in boxes always leads to exceptions and errors. I understand the “need” to label, but there is nothing *wrong* (disorderly) with having a lack of sexual desire. Hell, it doesn’t even prevent procreation. Darwin probably wouldn’t give it a second thought.

    • If you listened to the longer video, the original interview, he pointed out they they led a petition to get that moniker removed. Not assuming you meant harm but it may helpful to listen to the whole before commenting.

    • Thank you for mentioning this, there is a different hyposexual is someone with a low sex drive, where as asexuality is someone doesn’t experience sexual attraction. For instance if we compeer sex drive to hunger, someone who is hypo will not get hungry or not as much, where as someone who is ace (shout hand for asexual) doesn’t want to eat anything in particular, like if you feel hungry and go look in the cupboard (or fringe) and not like the look of anything.

  4. This was actually very helpful to me, I was expecting it to more informative than helpful, nice surprise. It would explain why I don’t feel the need to make sex a part of my life, and why some of my attempts at socializing have failed miserably. Though I do still feel sexual attraction, sometimes pretty strongly but for relatively short periods of time which I can easily suppress. Very eye-opening and helpful. definitely checking out the asexual site and sharing it.

  5. Very good work bring in some more awareness, Fits well into the sex+ theme.

    Hopefully they have luck with the de-listing it as a disorder like the homosexual community did a fair few years back. Treating it as something wrong and a disorder will never help anyone and sooner or later the broader community will have to relies everyone is different and do not fit into the nice little groups and labels often propagated by the religious powers that be over the centuries years.

    • 1) it’s these asexual people or this asexual people, this asexual people makes you sound like an idiot
      2) putting “right” in the middle of a sentence makes you sound even more like a idiot
      3) to everyone else
      4) Laci could you remove the above post, thanks :)

  6. This is very interesting and definitely got me thinking. Do people who identify as asexual ever fall in love with people who are much more sexual? How do couples who are (for lack of a better word) mismatched in that way deal with each others’ wants, needs, and preferences?

    In case it helps someone answer, the reason I ask is that I feel like I’ve always been a lot less sexual than people around me and don’t understand the hype about it, and I’ve been content with that until now that I’m in a very serious relationship and it’s causing problems in both my self esteem and that of my partner’s. I feel like I should “fix” myself because I know it’s important to him, and he thinks I’m not attracted to him (which isn’t true at all) or that he’s incompetent (which also isn’t true, since the times that I can choose to want sex I do enjoy it. I just have trouble doing that very often). Thankfully he doesn’t think I’m cheating on him. But still, I don’t understand why sex is so important to him and I’d like to find a way to help make our relationship better.

    I don’t think that I’m asexual since I’m often attracted to people and their bodies. I just feel like somebody who is familiar with asexuality could possibly be also familiar with my situation and would possibly have some advice (I know most of my friends can’t help, since everyone I know loves sex).

    We’ve thought that maybe I don’t want to have sex as often because I grew up as a Mormon and that negative view of sexuality possibly have just stuck with me, giving me a very deep mental block. I don’t know if that’s true or not, but whether it is or isn’t, I still want to find a way to help my relationship.

    So if an asexual person and a sexual person are partners, what do they do? If anyone could help answer my questions, I’d really appreciate it. :)

  7. To Deanna:

    Yeah, it happens a lot. (Only 1% of the population is asexual – pretty tough to fall in love with someone who shares an orientation when most people don’t, and if you throw in compatibility . . . )
    Honestly, every relationship is different. There are asexual people out there who enjoy sex, and I expect they’re more successful in mixed relationships. If the sexual person is hypersexual, and the asexual person is repulsed, then it probably won’t work out; but I expect most people don’t need too much sex to be happy. Open relationships work, too. (It’s a good reason to support polyamoury. More of your needs get met, there’s more love going around on all sides, you don’t have to break up a really good relationship over some little thing like sex . . . but I digress.) Sometimes, the sexual partner just wants to cuddle without all the sexy stuff thrown in. There are lots of ways for something like this to work. I’d give you some links, but I can’t think of the exact URLs for most of the blogs I’m thinking of, and the ones I can think of are kind of really personal and I doubt the ones who run them would appreciate me handing out their web address to any curious strangers I happen to come across.

    . . . You’ll have to take my word for it? Really, I don’t have any specific sources right now. I cite myself, and various websites whose names I sadly cannot currently distuingish from the hundreds of websites I’ve been to that don’t actually mention this stuff.

  8. My boyfriend broke up with me because when I told him I only wanted to cuddle, he thought it was because I was having sex with other people which in his head diminished my desire for him. I consider myself asexual because even though I have had sex (with more than one person), I don’t actively pursue it, and I could be perfectly happy in a sexless relationship or without a relationship in general. That is, even though I’ve experienced sex and sexual attraction. I just don’t see the point in it, because it’s just an instantaneous gratification. To me, pleasure is getting a good grade in my college paper or a workout at the gym, because I feel proud of myself. Sex…is just sex. I wouldn’t classify it as a vital need.

    As to the whole hypoactive sexual desire disorder- I mean, I was trying to look into that to see if that’s what I might be instead of asexual, but guess what? Nobody can say what is say a normal amount of sex to have. Even in couples who are in sexual relationships! So how can it be a disorder when you can’t even measure what is normal? Yeah, there are statistics that give an idea about what the average amount of sex couples have per week but who believes in statistics anyway? Who the hell sits and counts how much sex they have for some questionnaire? How many people are honest about it? Even though talking about sex is not as taboo as it used to be, people still feel the need to lie about how much sex they have! It still remains something that stays behind closed bedroom doors (and other places).

    And then the same people who slut-shame attack asexuals? So let me get this: If you have sex but do it too young it’s wrong. If you have sex but you’re too old (or lose your virginity after 20) it’s “weird”. If you have sex with more than one person and you’re a woman, you’re a “whore”. If you have sex with someone you’re not in a relationship with and you’re a woman, you’re a “whore”. If you have sex before marriage, you may still be a “whore”. If you’re married and you’re having sex but you’re not having children, something’s “wrong” with you. So the same people who have a problem with people having sex, have a problem with people NOT having sex?

  9. For those of you interested in asexuality you may have trouble accessing the largest asexual information site, Aven. The site has been taken down due to a whistleblower from the admod team sharing information and proof of corruption and abuse by Avens backroom team. As Aven has closed to avoid this being seen the avalanche asexual forum has recieved copies of the abuses from Avens backroom and have them on display should you wish to look.

  10. This has really helped me understand where I am with my sexuality. I always identified as sexual, and so I didnt know why I dont like sex as much as I thought I should. Pleasing my partner was never a problem for me, but recieving myself, including sex, has not been a need or even a want for a long time. Cuddling and being intimate on a more emotional level is all I need and desire. This always made me feel bad about myself, and I could never talk about it with my partner. I was always worried that I would lose my partner because I dont want sex. I finally feel completely at peace with myself and know that nothing is wrong with me. Sexuality is not black and white, and I am in the gray area. :) Thank you Laci Green for everything

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