ADVICE: He won’t wear condoms.

I get email:

Hi laci. I have been watching your show for a long time and I know you always tell us to protect ourselves. I have been trying, but I have one problem. My boyfriend says that he does not want to wear condoms. He will not get tested either. Last night we had sex without one even though I really did not want to. Do you have any advice? Please help me I know I cant be the only person with this problem. Thank you

-J

J, good for you for trying! You are definitely NOT the only person with this problem. I can’t tell you how many discussions I have had to initiate after hearing some condom hate from my old high school students.

The fact of the matter is this: you are doing the right thing in taking care of yourself and you have the right to assert your health needs with your partner. If he can’t respect your health, maybe it’s time to reconsider if he actually respects you.

So, what to do about this refusal to wear condoms. I would say have him get tested so your risk is minimized without condoms…but it sounds like that didn’t go over very well. What excuses is he giving not to wear condoms? Here are some various responses you can give to things he might say:

Him You
It doesn’t feel good. 1. I don’t feel good when I don’t feel safe.
2. The safer I feel, the wilder I get!
They don’t fit. 1. There are lots of brands and sizes, lets find one that fits.
2. If it’s too big for a condom, it’s too big for me.
It ruins the mood. 1. Don’t we create the mood?
2. I think safety is sexy.
Just this once. 1. I have lots of condoms, let’s go more than once!
2. Once more is one time too many for me.
You think I’m going to give you something? 1. It’s not about you, I always use condoms to protect my health.
2. Aren’t you worried about the same thing?

Lastly J, don’t be afraid to be assertive to get what you need, whether that means “sorry then we can’t have sex”, or further discussion. It may help to talk about this anxiety you are having over the condoms situation. Tell him what you need, why you need it, and how your needs are going unmet. I would suggest bringing it up away from where you have sex when you are alone together. Within this discussion, if you feel comfortable, you might also bring up getting tested together. It can be fun – grab lunch together, go to the clinic, have steamy safer sex together when you’re done. :P

Remember, it’s your body and your health. While many STIs are not serious, some are, and I don’t want to scare you…but it only takes one time to transmit a serious disease. Condoms don’t eliminate that risk, but they do significantly decrease it when used correctly. You deserve a partner who recognizes this and takes your health into account!

Best of luck,

PS: General info about using condoms here!

71 thoughts on “ADVICE: He won’t wear condoms.

  1. Great post Laci, I am one of the type of guys that hate’s using a condom. Yet, I do get tested every 6 months or after I have a sexual encounter. My “Friend” and I have talked about having sex multiple times and I told her I hated wearing them she told me if she wanted me to wear one would I. I told her I would hate to do so but I respected her enough to actually wear one and the fact that it was her first time made the decision easier. I don’t see how guy’s can not respect their partner enough not to wear one if they ask them too, and make their partner feel like they don’t love them enough if they say they have to wear one. It’s not about trust, it’s about exactly how you said respect for her body and health along with your own.

  2. i agree with alexander. but my problem with using a condom is lose of sensation. is there anyway you can help with that?

    • Dude, try some ultra-thins. Not as good as without a condom, but pretty close. Trojan makes some really good ultra-thins. They have (I think) regular, thins, and ecstasies (ultra-thin). The ecstasies are great. They come in magnum too, in case you need the big ones. The magnum ecstasies seem to be just the same as the regular sized ecstasies, just bigger, at least in my experience.

  3. Always remember: There’s always another guy around the corner that will respect you and himself enough to keep both of you safe.

  4. My husband and I had tried different condoms before and I never liked them. With us it was actually the opposite, I, the girl never wanted a condom, and he had used one with every person he had been with. I really really think its all about finding the right one! They are not all equal and why not have fun trying them out to find the perfect one!

  5. If he doesn’t use em AND no test??? noooo play. PERIOD! Remember, you’re the one witht he vagina – ou have the ‘greater influence’ per say, and at the end of the day, it is you who has a higher risk at getting an STD, and you are the one who will have to deal with a chil(ren) that may happen because of this little fun he’d like to have. Take it from a 33 year old who’s been there, you’ve got the resources to get him to put a condomn on, cuz NO guy likes getting blues balls or having to get himself off ESPECIALLY when being presented with a nice warm place to put it in – he can pick one, or pick the other … make the choice up to HIM. If he doesn’t, no BJ, no sex, no HJ, NADA! If a guy, ANY guy (married, in a relationship or casual) doesn’t want to do the very basics to ensure the fun stays FUN, there’s a billion other guys who will, RESPECTFULLY.

    • Although how warm is the place with a condom…how fun is it with a condom…and if you hold out on him, who’s to say he won’t go looking elsewhere for a girl who will put out…that attitude that you have is not a good idea…

      Remember, what one girl won’t do, another girl will. Its fine to say no, but being a bitch about it is no way to go.

      • If he doesn’t respect her enough to put a condom on, she shouldn’t be dating him simple as that. Why the hell is respecting herself not a good idea? you sound like a sexist pig.

        • Here, here Linda! I think she should just walk away from that jerk and find someone who actually cares for her, and for her health.

      • Then he will look elsewhere for a girl.Then she can look elsewhere for a guy who respects her and cares about her health

  6. I have sort of the same probke expect my partners excuse is says that his alegic to comdoms. When he first said it i started laugh i thoight it was a joke but he said the he got reall puffy red and sneezy. Can someone really be alergic to condoms??

        • Yep, they do. I’m female and allergic to latex (everything it touches swells, turns red, and gives me hives), but there are at least 3 different types of non-latex condoms. There isn’t as much variety and my partner said that he lost more sensation with them compared to latex ones, but it is an option. A very, very, very good option.

  7. I certainly don’t want to start a fight on Laci’s blog, but I find Erika’s comment above to be somewhat sexist. Women do not have sole power and control in a sexual relationship. I’ve refused to have sex with a woman on similar grounds, that she didn’t want me to wear a condom. I don’t care how sexy or hot someone is, or how horny I am, it takes two people to have sex and I’m not afraid to exercise my veto power.

    Somewhat more on topic, there’s no good reason not to wear a condom. Maybe it takes a little more effort to get off. So what? I certainly don’t mind prolonging intercourse.
    They don’t fit? Bullshit. Your average condom can stretch over a 2 liter bottle and can accomodate 2.4 liters of liquid. They also make smaller condoms for those less endowed.
    Allergic to latex? They make polypropelene condoms. Hell, I keep a 3-pack of latex-free condoms in my bag just in case things progress a little more quickly than I’m prepared for at a party/event. Some estimate that as many as 20% of people have latex allergies, so better safe than sorry.

    So yeah, no excuse.

    • In fairness to Erika it is usually, or at least stereotypically, the guy that doesn’t want a condom used. Though in some ways the condom’s not a big deal since there are other barrier methods a woman can use like a diaphragm though being a dude I don’t know how convenient or comfortable they are. However the fact he wouldn’t even get tested is stupid, I’d get rid of him, if I was with a woman like that I’d get rid before even the first time.

    • Fun fact re: condoms not fitting, my college’s PRIDE chapter used to host safe sex nights in which we had competitions to see who could fit the most fruits and vegetables into a condom. The winners managed one large squash and 20 lemons (there was a lot of lube involved).

      • Yeah, but you gotta remember it’s not just about how much can fit, but how much can fit comfortably, without pinching. Remember, you can fit a 10 pound baby in a vagina without tearing, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t going to hurt.

  8. i’m on the pill and i’ve been with my fiancee for years. i prefer no condom myself.
    but if i want him to wear one and he won’t wear one hes got his hands. no entry buddy. have fun by yourself.

    • I think there’s a much more respectful way to say no glove, no love. Saying have fun by yourself, just perpetuates a stupid societal idea that masturbation sucks. Masturbation is great. Its a healthy & safe alternative to sex. I’m not likely to get a disease from my own hand, my hand won’t finish before I do, and I know exactly what I like. I’ve had good, bad, and great partner sex in my life; but the best orgasms are the ones I give myself. I really think society needs to start giving masturbation the kudos it deserves instead of trying to force it into a metphorical closet with condemnation. It’s such a dated form of oppression.
      If your man refuses to wear a condom then tell him you respect that decision. In a great show of mutual respect to both parties do something else sexual instead of sexual intercourse. Try mutual masturbation! Or masturbate in front of each other. You don’t have to have sex without a condom and he doesn’t have to have it with one. Win = Win.

        • What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you litlte bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic litlte thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you litlte shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your litlte “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.

      • Yeah, great comment. Totally agree with it being some sad thing to masturbate and a great idea to share something like masturbating with a partner. Both can learn what each other likes by showing how they masturbate themselves. Learning FTW

      • Thanks Dana.

        I love this discussion, differing opinions and all, as we can’t have much of a discussion without other points of view. We also can’t lean anything new if we all have the same point.

        I do agree with the others that Dana’s post was the best post by far. Respectfully communicating with our partners is part of having a healthy relationship although it is not always easy. Just because a partner doesn’t agree with you on something, in this case condom use, it doesn’t mean you must respond with a put down or in a disrespectful manner. If they are disrespectful to you, especially if this is a common occurrence, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship and or have a discussion about the importance of respect.

        Masturbation is looked down upon and mutual masturbation goes unmentioned as an alternative to the “more common” forms of sex (Oral, Vaginal, and Anal). Mutual masturbation is a great option as it is one that helps build the relationship. Thanks for sharing.

  9. Do not underestimate your ability to make us do things by threatening to deny us sex. Just tell him “No cov, no love”.

    Getting him to get tested is a little trickier since it’s not a spur-of-the-moment thing he can do while he’s still horny, but it’s far from impossible.

    (Only you can decide whether or not you really want to say this, but if this doesn’t work nothing will.)

    “Tell you what, you get tested, and you can put it anywhere.”

    P.s. I assume he must be a fantastic lover for you to put up with such a selfish prick.

  10. I take a moderate stance on this. Condoms are a must for certain circumstances. However there are some where they aren’t. It also feels much better without. Not just for the guy either. I find little logic in the position of either the totally reckless lover, or the condom zealot.

    I also think this idea that intercourse is somehow everything is ridiculous. There is so much more to it.

    I also find it very hard to believe a regular condom would fit over a 2 litter bottle. That sounds like bullshit. They won’t even fit on my cock, not comfortably, and not with enough coverage. However, they do have Magnum Extra Large. Those fit great. You might get one of those over a bottle, but it would be hard to do.

  11. More ideas:
    Make like he’s drugs and “Just say no”.
    Threaten babies

    More seriously, tho. If this guy doesn’t respect her enough to wear a condom, if for nothing else than to make her feel better(let alone safety reasons). Just how good of a boyfriend is he?

  12. I like this article to a certain extent. I’m a guy and I don’t like the idea of condoms but they are usually a must, so you gotta suck up and deal with it if you wanna get laid, right?
    Anyway
    Some of the responses presented downright suck. I mean they are just full of sooooo much BS.

    -”I think safety is sexy” seriously? i mean i get what you’re getting at but who gets off on being safe? I’ve never heard anything remotely similar to “Oh, he is so sexy in a condom” or “I get so horny when I get tested” I mean, safety isn’t “sexy”. Necessary? yes. Sexy, hell no.

    -”Aren’t you worried about the same thing?” What is he says “no”??? I mean the response back would be “Well, I still am” but If you will end up just repeating what you said…what is the point anyway…I mean, no matter what he says, you won’t change your mind so…what’s the point of asking a pointless question?

    -”I have lots of condoms, let’s go more than once!” Multiple orgasms and guys don’t mix lol. Just a small joke I had to insert.

    -” I don’t feel good when I don’t feel safe.” The obvious (admittedly smartass) response is “…so why the hell would you feel any better if you are safe considering condoms remove feeling???” The logic is all there. If you don’t feel good without a condom…how will a condom increase pleasure?

    -” The safer I feel, the wilder I get!” She better make damn sure she follows through on this, or else, there will be one pissed off guy. Lying would not make anything better.

    I’m not saying condoms are bad, (there are even special ones to enhance please), but don’t use these BS excuses that any intelligent person could crush in a moment. Just say you are concerned about pregnancy and don’t trust pulling out (no one should trust that btw), or suggest special condoms, or tingly lube…if all else fails, just refuse outright. In the end, its your choice and you don’t need crap responses to justify your choice. So…yeah :)

    P.S: Next time, make articles like this available for both genders. Women may also refuse to sleep with a guy who wants to use a condom. But now I’m just being bit-picky lol

    • I admit the responses are kind of corny and sound scripted. However I do see one misstep in your logic you said that the “excuses” could be instantly crushed by an intelligent person, but how intelligent can a person be if they are completely unconcerned about pregnancy and STIs?

  13. Personally, I’m in the “don’t like condoms because it kills the feeling” group, but I’ve never had sex without one and don’t intend to for a very long time (not until I’m in a long term monogamous relationship and we’ve both been tested). Unfortunately I can’t really try out the thin types of condoms, as stores around here don’t usually carry any large condoms other than the regular ones, but c’est la vie I guess, right?

      • Can’t really order condoms from online. Currently living at home (during summer, away for uni) and parents don’t know that I’ve had sex and are under the impression that I’m completely goody two-shoes. I mean, they don’t even know that I drink (I can legally drink here). My bank statements/credit card bill (rarely use it)/etc. is all sent to where my parents live, and they look at it from time to time. Parents see credit card bill->see that it says condoms on it->shit gets serious. XD

        • I’ve ordered loads of things from Amazon and my credit card statement says ‘Amazon’. So your parents would be proud of you for buying books. :)
          You can have the package sent to wherever you want, it doesn’t have to be the same adress.
          Have fun, be safe.

          • lol, it’s not like I’m not using condoms. Besides, buying books would be too out of the ordinary for me (in fact, that goes the same for buying almost anything online). Almost everything I read is either in a textbook or in the public domain. I realize that it seems like I’m just being problematic, but it’s actually because I’m making everything sound much simpler than it is.

    • You’re a fucking idiot. Why would you wait to use a condom until you feel safe? You’re already having unprotected sex with random people BUT then you wait until you’re having sex with someone you know to voice out about condoms? Dumbass, that’s backwards. You should be protecting yourself from the start!

      This thread is a prime example why supporters of anti-premarital sex support such a case.
      So many people think testing yourself is enough. Well guess what, IT ISN’T! HIV/AIDS can live undetected in your body for decades! Not to mention some STD/Is have no noticeable (or little noticeable) symptoms therefore you wouldn’t know until you got tested… 6 months later! You people should be ashamed of yourself for being so reckless. Condoms are not a fucking choice; they should be a requirement if you truly care about your body!

      Btw- if you can masturbate with your hand, don’t give me that shit about “I can’t feel anything” for a condom. Last time I checked, a hand IS NOT the same as feeling a vagina. STFU and GTFOH!

      • 1. The person you responded to (me) specifically said that they have “never had sex without” a condom. That means that they have ALWAYS used a condom.

        2. A hand doesn’t feel the same as a vagina, it feels better (if you’re doing it right). A condom is an extra layer of material between your penis and whatever is stimulating it (whether it be a hand or a vagina). BTW, major logical fallacy. “You can get off with A (hand) and B (vagina). Using C (condom) makes B feel worse. Some people[who?] claim that A is worse than B [disputed]. Therefore B using C is better than A.” WRONG.

  14. Well sometimes I masturbate with a condom, it feels different but sensation is still there for sure. Sex is much more then “put penis in vagina” and I’m guessing that goes for quite a few people…

    • If masturbating with a condom feels the same as without, then you REALLY need to work on technique. There is simply no comparison between the two.

  15. This just made me angry which was probably good that she wrote to you, not me.
    Why should the boyfriend call the shots? By what logic would pleasing your boyfriend and going with what he wants trump being safe and not getting pregnant or STDs? How is it worth risking her health?
    I am assuming J is a girl. I skimmed through it again and I didn’t see anything that explicitly stated that (s)he was one.
    I suggest not having sex with him if he refuses to be safe, especially if J is uncomfortable with having unprotected sex.

  16. If your partner says he doesn’t like wearing condoms, or he doesn’t have one, just come out with: “it’s ok, I’m ready to be a mom!” Chances are, he will somehow manage to put one on :)

    • uh, sorry, but no. If you say that to a guy he’s more likely to ditch than “magically find a condom”. And no this has nothing to do with the condom, it’s the simple fact that that statement means that if he does use a condom and it breaks you wouldn’t even consider an abortion.

      • Very true. It also raises the possibility that she’s tampered with the condoms because she *wants* to be pregnant – and even if this is totally unlikely, the very possibility is going to be enough to make him bail.

  17. I don’t like condoms as much as I like without, and I think that’s true for most guys. STDs aren’t a concern because I seriously doubt my girl’s cheating on me and we got tested before we did anything (her idea) but realistically A) I’m still in grad school and not in any position to raise a kid yet, and B) I find it difficult to enjoy sex if I don’t think she’s digging it, which is also the way a lot of guys feel about it. Honestly, ladies and gents to whom it applies, if he doesn’t respect you enough to wrap his shit without complaint (protests in jest aside), he’s well more than likely not worth your time.

  18. “Last night we had sex without one even though I really did not want to.”

    Dear lord, dump him. A nice man does not force a woman to have sex with him in a situation she didn’t agree to or feel comfortable with. That’s pretty much rape.

    • He didn’t force her to have sex with him. Did he convince her to have sex without a condom instead of with a condom? Yes, but the email makes NO reference to violence. Calling that rape is like calling a HSPA network “4G”. It is not the correct definition and you are simply weakening the word.

      • Actually, I should be even bolder in my post. Not only does it not mention violence, but the post is not written in a way in which it sounds like she was under duress. She made the decision to have sex with him, and then AFTERWARDS she made the separate decision that she was STILL going to have sex with him even though he wouldn’t use a condom.

        • Actually, if she says she did not want to, but did it anyway, that means she did something against her will. Rape. Violence doesn’t have to play a part in rape you know.

          • As I said, her email doesn’t sound like she was under duress. It sounds like she would have preferred to use a condom, but was fine with fucking him without one. She came to laci in order to find ways of convincing her boyfriend to see her point of view. I legitimately hate people who take strong words such as “hate”, “love”, “rape”, etc. and use them out of context, thereby weakening them. Do you even know the actual definition of rape? “the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.” I covered both “physical force” (violence) and “duress” in my previous posts, so why are you saying it was rape? Because she would have preferred to have sexual intercourse WITH THE SAME GUY AT THE SAME TIME with a condom instead of without? She obviously didn’t make that big of a fuss about it, she could have easily decided to not have sex, there is no mention in the email of her being forced to have sex. Or are you one of those crazies who thinks that anything other than cowgirl is rape?

            • P.S. I also don’t particularly like the definition of “rape”, as “the unlawful compelling of a woman through physical force or duress to have sexual intercourse.” makes it sound like only women can be raped. “woman” should be replaced with “person” (or maybe even “living thing”)

              • At least in Canada, coercing someone into performing a sexual act on you/with you is considered sexual assault. So technically, if she felt pressured to have sex without a condom and her partner openly tried to convince her to do it, it is a form of sexual assault (at least in Canada).

          • “… if she says she did not want to, but did it anyway, that means she did something against her will. Rape.”

            Hell, I do things I don’t want to all the time. I really didn’t want to pay back my coworker’s loan ’cause I’m not sure I can make rent now, but I did it anyway. Does that make it robbery?

            Seriously. She’s weak-willed and clearly has some problems, but her character failings don’t make someone else a rapist.

  19. If your partner does not want to wear a condom, and you are uncomfortable with this, then say no to penetrative sex. There’s no need to feel bad about being concerned for your well-being.

    There’s other ways to do it than penetrative sex. For example, manual sex (petting/fooling around) is a whole lot less risky.

  20. wtf is up with the comments above….?
    spam much?
    D:
    but going with the post, this guy sounds like a jerk, and she be left asap. He had a chance :-/

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  22. Okay, bottom line. Yes, condoms are a pain. For men, and for many women, too (my ex didn’t like the way that they felt, and neither does my fiancee). All of that said, until a magic pill is developed that will automatically cure/protect from ALL STIs and prevent pregnancy with one hundred percent reliability, they are a necessary component of a healthy sex life in this age of STI epidemics and rampant overpopulation. Explain to him that the pleasures of physical intimacy, and the emotional bonding that it brings, far outweigh the irritations brought on by having to wear a condom, and that your safety, and his, are a priority. Not only that, but it wouldn’t be remiss to tactfully point out that if he thinks condoms have a negative impact on your sex life, an unplanned pregnancy could and probably WOULD have a MUCH more negative impact.

  23. On a completely unrelated note, can we get the condom manufacturers to start ACTUALLY making condoms that fit? I use them, despite my distaste for them), but I always find myself in one of two positions… either I have to find some means to secure it at the base of my penis because the condom is too large, or I have to struggle to get into it without shredding it because it’s too small. Believe me, even with a stretchy substance like latex, you can’t get away with a 2 size system.

  24. Easiest way to get a guy like that to put one on: “Sure we can go bare! I always thought you’d make a great father!” Unfortunately that can kill the erection…

  25. Honestly I don’t care if it makes guys lose some sensation. Girls have much more to lose. one accident and pregnancy and or stds. Like man the hell up, dudes. Have some respect.

  26. After I originally left a comment I appear to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and from now on each
    time a comment is added I recieve 4 emails with the exact
    same comment. Perhaps there is an easy method you can remove me from that service?
    Kudos!

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