ADVICE: Too Late to Stop Having Sex?

I get email:

After 5 months of being with my boyfriend we finally decided to have sex. It was totally on a whim..I was planning on waiting a lot longer. At the time I figured, I love him and want to make this commitment…now, i’m not so sure I made the right choice. I guess my question is, since we have already had sex, could “waiting” still be an option or would it be a little far fetched? I am also worried on how or if I should even bring this up to him.

-AJ

Hey AJ!

Good news! Waiting is ALWAYS an option. In every encounter, you always have the right to say no–whether it’s before or even during sex. Having sex does not open any flood gate, so if you’re not ready and you’re questioning yourself, as it seems you are, then it’s perfectly OK to say no. It doesn’t make you a bad partner, and if your boyfriend loves and respects you, he will honor and respect your needs in the relationship.

You mentioned that you don’t know if you should bring it up to him. As a general rule of thumb, if you need something, it’s always good to bring it up with him. Now, as to how to do so: my recommendation is usually for people to bring up issues in bed *outside* of bed. So, next time you’re hanging out, maybe when you’re being a little affectionate with each other and you’re both in a good mood, tell him that there’s something you want to talk about. Here’s an example scenario:


You: Hey, do you mind if we talk about something for a sec that has been bothering me?
Him: Sure, what’s up?
You: You know how we had sex last week? I felt like I was ready to do it, but afterward I realized…maybe I’m not as ready as I thought.
Him: What do you mean?
You: I love you and I want to make this commitment to you, but I think maybe it’s too much for me at this point. The time might come, but I’m not quite there yet.
Him: Okay, I understand. How can I meet you where you’re at?
You: Well, do you think we could wait a little longer? I’d be much more comfortable with that.

Of course, this template isn’t exactly how it’s going to play out! This is just an example of how to get started and some directions you could go. Of the most importance is to be honest and gentle. Remember, you’re doing this to take care of yourself, and you have every right to do so. If he appears upset, remind him that you’re just trying to communicate your needs to make your relationship stronger. Make sure that he knows it’s about you and it’s not an attack on him, if necessary. Lastly, don’t let him (or anyone else for that matter!) make you feel bad about your choice or pressure you into having sex any way. It’s your body, use it however you want to.

Good luck. <3

29 thoughts on “ADVICE: Too Late to Stop Having Sex?

  1. Ok well my girlfriend broke up w me about 9 months ago. And out of the blue her mom fb booked me asking how i was and if i wanted to go and see her? I dnt knw what do! She broke up witb me with out giving me a reason and she hurt me a lot i cried and suffred a lot for her and itold my sister and she said don go because your only gonna get hurt again i feel confused i really dnt knw what to do. I wanna go but im not sure.

  2. No way, once you give it he is going to want it!!! Right now he is fapping thinking about your hot hiney, he’s going to want to do you when you get home! You better let him have it, or out you go!!!

  3. Some of these responses are ridiculous. Let him beat off if he has to — if he doesn’t have the maturity to understand “no means no” then the dude needs to grow a pair and fix his own damn issues. No woman is required to sleep with anyone.

  4. I’d say, from the male perspective, it’s definitely much more polite to deliver a ‘no’ long before you get to a situation where sex might occur. Not to say you can’t say no at any time, even just as he’s putting on the condom, but to let it get that far is… I’m not sure of the right word but it’s definitely worse than stating it waaay out in front.
    Some girls get labeled “tease” for not going all the way, which is wrong (the labeling), but I would strongly argue against the practice of suggesting sex only to say no at the last minute. Maybe bring it up over lunch.

  5. I GET EMAIL:

    Of course you can and should say no if you are uncomfortable. Even though it’s totally lame.

    Laci’s advice is perfect as usual, but I would also say that you should examine your reasons for not wanting to have sex. Are you concerned about pregnancy or AIDS? Did your mommy and daddy tell you that you should wait until marriage or you’re a dirty slut? Does Jesus want you to stay pure for Him? Or are you just uncomfortable with that level of intimacy?

    Figure out your reason and let your boyfriend know, so he doesn’t think it’s an issue with him or his performance. He’ll appreciate it

    • I totally agree!

      It’s always important that you feel comfortable during sex, or in this case, to have sex at all yet.

      HOWEVER, as Andrew stated above it’s really important to also stop and wonder about why you think you might not be ready to be sexually active. I’ve encountered many people who keep themselves from having sex for questionable reasons. For example some people feel their sex life can’t start until they have met “the one, the love of their life etc.” Although this sounds perfectly reasonable on the surface, it’s seems this attitude is usually heavily influenced by the mainstream media.

      My point is, sex isn’t holy and it’s not rocket science, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t special either. People should really stop and wonder why they feel about sex the way they do. In this day and age, sex is popularized as either something you should be into anytime, anywhere and with almost anyone, OR you should wait for that “prince on the white horse, or the sleeping beauty”.

      I’ve noticed both of these polar-opposites create allot of uncertainties and insecurity amongst men and women, which is unfortunate and completely unnecessary if you ask me. Sex is something that should be embraced ( which it’s not generally ) and it should not be used as a symbol of social value and significance. ( Which it is portrayed as of right now )

  6. This happened to me! 24 yo male black. And I understood and supported her choice. I don’t want to have sex with anyone who doesn’t want it 100%.

    I did look for sex elsewhere though…..

      • I believe that if she isn’t doing the job then she has no reason to get mad at me for going elsewhere.

        Funny thing is that we are strictly physical now.

        I wasn’t going to miss out on my favorite hobby just because the relationship MIGHT work out.

        Trust me I’ve been burned in every way and this mindset did not come from impatience…

      • it’s only “jerktacular” if he continued to date her while sleeping with other people. cheating’s fucked up. but i had a guy dump me when i was a wee lass because i wouldn’t put out (after three weeks of dating!) and while at the time, i thought he was a complete jerk, i completely understand him now. i wouldn’t get into a serious relationship with someone who didn’t want sex.

        • By my rules it is only “cheating” if we agree to be exclusive. I tell every girl I date that I don’t go exclusive until I am in love.

          I haven’t lied to a girl in years and “jerktacular” I may be, but I am honest to every girl I meet.

          • yeah, it’s not cheating unless you’ve agreed to be exclusive. as long as you’re clear, you’re not a jerk. keep doing what you do.

  7. ” Make sure that he knows it’s about you and it’s not an attack on him, if necessary.”

    Might be important to do. Ego’s and shit.

  8. I respect the advice Lacey gave but would like to add to it. Perhaps it would be best to explain that you want something different in mind out of sex as well as why you’re on the fence now. In otherwords, instead of just saying I wanted to make a commitment and now I’m not sure, remove that doubt by adding what you want to create instead. Example: “I wanted to make the commitment, but that made me feel uncomfortable because it was rushed. I’ve been thinking and I want to wait till I’m more comfortable with my body before we do it again, this way I can let myself go and be more passionate with with you.” I prefer this to than just saying to wait because it communicates that it’s more about you.

  9. While I agree that not being ready should ALWAYS be respected, and any (ie: EVERY) time they’re not completely comfortable with what’s happening they should communicate openly and honestly…

    It also often seems like many people (and the original querant in particular) have some idea of how the relationship “is supposed to” happen: “We wait for 6 months, and then it’s OK to have sex,” or “Don’t kiss until the xth date” or whatever.

    If both people are capable of making their own decisions and using their own judgment, rules are beside the point. Those rules are suggestions based on what has worked for other people. (Specifically, bossy other people.)

    AJ, you want more commitment from or to your boyfriend, you should give or request more commitment. If you didn’t like having sex with him, you should not have done it, and you should stop doing it. But conversely, if it WAS what you wanted to do, and it IS what you want to do, but you are afraid it will keep you from being able t get married, or if you’re afraid it wasn’t enough time that your parents wouldn’t approve or something, that’s different. Your boyfriend isn’t DATING your parents- He’s dating you. do what’s right for YOU.

    Your level of physical affection is not about how long you’ve been together, or about what you’ll do in the past – it’s about who you are, and who he is, and about where you both are, not your expectations about next month, or next year, or your image of the perfect relationship. THIS relationship is your relationship, and Laci, Dear Abby, and your mom can give you advice and/or suggestions, but in the end, your decisions are your OWN.

  10. Its hard to judge this advice without knowing the age of the woman. Is she 15? Spot on! Is she 27? If so, you might want to mention that it is OK for her partner to expect sex from an exclusive romantic relationship and if she isn,t interested in sex, he isn’t interested in the relationship. I don’t know about him, but my life is too short to spend it holding hands with a an emotional fragile woman who wants me to pretend other women aren’t attractive to me, when there are so many out there who are totally put together and game for some fun sexy romps.

  11. I’m sorry, but again i find myself disagreeing with Laci (something i find myself doing more and more)… There is a reason why its called a sexual relationship. Its all well and good that in a relationship you work as a team, but there is a reason why its called a “Sexual relationship.”

    Sex is a big part of any sexual relationship & if after 6 months of dating you are “not ready” to have sex, then you should be asking yourself why not. If you got major issues, do something about them, but do not have sex with a man after six months & then say “I’m not ready.”

    At some point that guy is going to ask himself one really important question: I’ve had sex with this woman once in 6 months & now it looks like i’m not going to get any for another 6 months, because she has some sort of issue with physical intimacy. Is my continued investiture in this relationship, worth my time? She doesn’t want sex, but i do: Is her desire greater then my desire?”

    if he answered no to either of these questions, then the follow up statement should probably be: “Thanks doll it was fun, but i’m out of here.”

    An if that sounds sexist, well i can assure you that i’m not being sexist, i’m being realistic.

    • when is it called a sexual relationship? my relationship is certainly sexual, but i don’t call it that. also, you seem to be operating under the assumption that this is a grown woman. it sounds more like a young teen to me, in which case laci’s advice is spot-on.

    • While the ad girl does have a similar face to Laci looking further down give a definitive “no” to your question as she appears to be umm… less curvaceous than Laci is to put it as sensitively as possible.

  12. I completely agree with Laci.

    Although being raised in a Christian house has taught me sex should only occur after marriage, I think it’s a personal decision.

  13. Your text is extremely convincing and that is probably the reason why I am making the effort to comment. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. Secondly, whilst I can certainly see the leaps in logic you make, I am not confident of how you appear to unite the ideas that produce the actual final result. For the moment I will, no doubt yield to your position however hope in the future you link the dots much better.

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