Ask Me Anything: Bi gf wants to get funky w/ other women

I get way more email than I can keep up with. It’s quite flattering, actually…(“ME? you’re asking ME? *squee*)

I’m glad yall trust me with your secrets and stories. I am going to try to address your email directly here throughout the week. I’m happy to offer my input or perhaps lay out some different perspectives to help you make the best choice for yourself. If I post your email, rest assured, it will be 100% anonymous.

Hey Laci. I’ve been dating this wonderful woman for over a year now. I know that she is bi, but it’s hasn’t been a problem until recently. She has mentioned to me that she wants to explore her sexuality and be with a woman. I have no actual problem with that act, hypothetically, but what I do have a problem with is the fact that we’re in a relationship, which should imply a matter of devotion, right? We didn’t go into our relationship looking for something polyamorous or anything of that sort (I think we both want our relationship to remain monogamous). What I’m getting to, is I want to let my girlfriend find out who she is sexually, but I also… sorta don’t. I know that sounds terrible to say, but I don’t see how it would be any different for me to “explore” my sexuality and be with another woman. (I’m not saying I want to do that; I really do love my girlfriend to pieces) Should she get special privilege because she’s bi?

-Confused

Sounds like you’re having a head/heart brainfuck.

Totally understandable. It’s a tricky situation you’re trying to handle here.

Having new experiences and figuring out what you want sexually is very important–bi, straight, pan, gay, whatever you might be. I’m not sure that I’d called that “special privileges”, but it can certainly feel that way.

Let’s talk about that “devotion” word. It seems that, often, “devoted” relationships lack the flexibility necessary to accommodate our evolving needs & sexual interests. In other words, your gf’s desire to try it out with a woman doesn’t necessarily mean she is less interested/devoted to you. In my experience, maintaining a healthy, satisfying relationship sometimes involves a little flexibility to keep everyone happy. I’m not saying that committed relationships should be a free-for-all, just that some boundaries might change over time. Additionally, a little openness and trust to step outside of your comfort zone together may not hurt as badly as you think….granted, you approach it thoughtfully and maintain honest communication with each other in how you’re feeling about it all.

If she’s curious and wants to explore her orientation, that’s something that should be addressed. That said, your needs should be addressed too. If you don’t want to be in an open relationship, you don’t have to be.

Here are some questions I would be asking if I were in your shoes: What is it that she’s expecting in a new arrangement? Does she want to have an emotional relationship with other women? Sexual? Both? Does she plan to stay with you while this is happening? What are her expectations for your relationship?

What compromises could the two of you make so that both your needs are met?

Here are some (likely obvious) possibilities in this situation given the info you sent:
1) Open the relationship. I know you are averse to this idea, but this way you won’t have to split and she can explore for a bit. It might help to ease into it. Chew on the idea for a little while and get comfortable before you jump in.
2) Share. If you are both open to it, you could share the sex/relationship experience of bringing someone new into her life. Then, she gets to try it out and you are not left out.
3) Take a break. Give each other some air. You do what you need to do, she does what she needs to do. Reconvene when you’re ready.
4) Split. If you are not digging the situation, you have every right to leave the relationship. But, yknow…that can suck.

It may also help to explore your own internal conflict on this a little more.
For example:
1) What is uncomfortable about your gf having experiences with other women? Does it make you feel insecure? Inadequate? Cheated? Jealous? Is it unfair?2)How can you turn those uncomfortable feelings into something more palatable? (i.e. if it makes you feel insecure, how could she offer extra love and support during this period so that you still feel valued & wanted?)

I hope these questions help get the brain juice flowin’ and the conversation goin’ so you can work through the situation together.

Have something more to add? Experiences? Strategies? Encouragement? Share your thoughts with us in the comment thread. :)

32 thoughts on “Ask Me Anything: Bi gf wants to get funky w/ other women

  1. I’d just be scared to shit she’ll find out what straight men and lesbians already know: that women are more interesting. :P

    • I’m not so sure about that. Speaking as a bisexual female in a committed relationship of over a year, it’s fun to be with women, and it’s fun to be with men. Not always in the same way however. Girls seem to be more ruled by their emotions… or rather their hormones at times. It can be very ‘walking on eggshells’ when you’re with a woman in a relationship sometimes. It’s a bit insane at other times. That being said, there are pros and cons to being with either a man or a woman. But there’s also something to be said for trying out all your options, and just having fun.

      I was never one for open relationships in the past, having had some serious trust issues from previous experiences, it never crossed my mind that I could experiment and have fun with girls while I was with my bf. When we first talked about it, it wasn’t even my idea, but once he said it, it kind of made a weird bit of sense to us. We both love each other and trust each other enough that if I want to fool around with a girl, that’s cool with him (although he’d prefer to be in the room to enjoy the show, he trusts me enough to be cool with it if I just text him a heads up), and if he ever decides he wants to try things with a guy, then he has the same options. It’s pretty awesome, and although I’ve come close to taking him up on it before, I haven’t … yet.

      Just having that option gives me a little freedom to have fun with, and is usually enough to make me happy not to test the boundaries of the relationship, but who knows what the future will hold.

      Anyways, my original point was that if you love each other, and trust each other, you have to know that she might go fool around and enjoy the sights (BOOBS!!! ^.^), but she will always come home to cuddle with you. I’d like to believe that love is infinite, and you can love more than one person at a time (I really want to believe that I could work in a poly relationship, but I think I have a trunk-full of baggage to deal with first, if ever) so you should think of it as, she might go out, have fun, and maybe she develops feelings for another woman, but that doesn’t mean that you’ll be replaced, because it’s not the same kind of relationship, or love. Like our DNA, no two loves is ever the same.

  2. I think I’d agree with Jade’s (and Laci’s) line of thinking. It’s about loving one another.

    It’s certainly complicated, and raises powerful emotions, but in my own opinion (formed mostly from what I have seen in my personal life) I think that there are both positive and negative loves.

    And I think that the important thing is to steer clear of the negative kind of love. Most commonly, I see this manifest in what I’d call selfish love. They’ll be jealous, envious, controlling, obsessive, and more concerned for what they want then what their partner wants.

    And I think often people don’t do it on purpose. It’s just a pitfall. Jade’s relationship sounds wonderful, but difficult.

    But good things usually are difficult. I think it’s worth the work, but you’ve got to be realistic. It’s probably going to be hard. Don’t let that stop you, just do your best to be ready for it. Before even discussing it, think about what’s important (your/her happiness, her growth/freedom, what are your limits/what can you handle, etc.). Think about what isn’t important (i.e. those negative things I mentioned before like controlling her or not letting her have relationships with other people) and set those things aside. And then try to keep a sort of clarity of mind when you discuss it with your partner, but remain open to her ideas (because she likely thought about things you didn’t).

    It might not work out, but remain in a positive position the entire time and this won’t turn into something bad. And it’s a hell of a lot more likely to work out fine if you do remain positive.

    • Eff that yo. Man, maybe people are getting all too ‘free love’ these days. Maybe I’m a bigot, close minded, a terrible person etc but I would think if a person’s commited – that’s that. She gets to bang other dames and I don’t? Cause it’s some sexuality deal? Pffft. If she gets to so should I.

      • I fully agree with you. I believe that it’s unfair for one person to get “free reign” as it may be, but not the other. I’ve always figured threesomes for a good way to combat this. You choose the girl together, and both get some. And if you sort out rules or whatever reguarding it, then there shouldn’t be too many problems.
        If she wants to go it alone, you should get to as well. It’s only fair, and if you don’t like that, tell her so. :)

  3. If he’s willing to give in a little there should be some set rules.

    1. Choose the kind of girl you’d sleep with, but not the kind you’d date.

    2. Make it clear from the beginning that you’re already emotionally attached to someone else.

    3. If you DO get emotionally attached, let me know so we can work it out.

    4. Do not hurt me. You can stab me, shoot me, kick, punch, bite, whatever, just don’t fuck with my emotions.

    5. Don’t forget that I want sex too.

  4. Call me an ape, but when there is no risk of babies being made that are not my own, I have no problems with that. Maybe my opinion would change if I had a bi gf, but idk… Lesbian pr0n is the best there is (as long as it’s ‘real’-ish…), and I’m positive a lot of guys would agree. The more boobs the merrier.

  5. I think my experience was more like Jade’s than the OP. My girlfriend of a couple of years did not ask for the privilege. I noticed her preferences and we discussed the possibility of her exploring that side of her sexuality.

    It was her date that ended the exploration – she wasn’t okay with sharing and my girlfriend wasn’t looking to replace me. In the end, my girlfriend decided it wasn’t worth the effort required to explore further but I think she appreciated that I was willing to let her go and trusted her to come back.

    • I had a similar experience. I was dating two bi-girls who wanted me to make out with a friend (who was a man) and I agreed to try.

      But I only managed a kiss before I wanted to stop. They appreciated that I had tried though.

      I think things will usually end up like that. Curiosity and experimentation can often be brief, but being denied that can make a person very frustrated and feel unsatisfied for a very long period of time.

  6. Hey guys, OP here. Some very valid points by everyone. Going off what Drfatty said, I think (I hope!) I’m not succumbing to negative love, I mean, I really love my girlfriend and want her to be happy and satisfied. I don’t mean for this to sound selfish, but the problem for me isn’t her being with a girl; it’s the fact that she would want to be with someone else, regardless of gender, because it kind of seems to negate all the emotion and dedication we’ve put into our relationship. I have no problem with polyamorous relationships, I just don’t want one myself. I don’t know. I’m young, maybe I’m just being narrow minded, idiotic, and paranoid, but it doesn’t feel that way. I feel terrible for feeling apprehensive about the whole situation, and now my girlfriend feels terrible about making ME feel terrible, and now she doesn’t even want to talk about it, she’d rather just avoid the situation entirely. I know I feel crappy, but I just think it’d be better to talk about it now, and figure out where this is headed before we go any further with our relationship. Sorry I’m just totally mind vomiting here, I just have so much to say, and nowhere to say it.

    • First things first. I think bad people don’t worry about being bad. I think only good people worry about being bad. I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad and I think the fact that you are looking for help to solve this in a positive manner indicates that you are a good person and you are trying to bring about a positive future by doing this the right way.

      So, don’t be too hard on yourself.

      Because I think feeling afraid, devalued, or what have you, is very different from more hateful emotions. My advice isn’t to suppress your emotions, just to control them to a degree. Just be careful not to let yourself get angry, essentially.

      But I think it sounds like you do care. And I think being young puts a big strain on that. I imagine that you feel like you’re going to explode with emotions or some such at this point. I think everyone has made mistakes when they were young because of the huge amounts of energy pushing them forward. I know I have. But as I said, I think it sounds like you care.

      Let’s have a look at what you have said.
      1) You feel devalued and afraid because she wants to be with another person. (My paraphrasing.)
      2) You don’t want to have a polyamorous relationship. (My paraphrasing.)
      3) You feel bad for denying your partner something she wants. (My paraphrasing.)
      4) You don’t want to ignore the issue. You want to discuss it with her. (My paraphrasing.)

      Okay. Well, I’d like to remind you at this point, unlike Laci Green, I myself am only an unqualified person and I am giving this advice with good intentions but with only my own limited intelligence.

      I think your feelings are understandable. And I think that you are looking for answers. I don’t think any one of us can just tell you what to do. I think you need to think about these things yourself and speak to your partner calmly and find your own answers. I think that you need to approach your partner and make it clear that you want to discuss things calmly if she too feels upset.

      If it helps, this is how I see it/would approach it. I think that love is not a limited commodity. Loving one person does not decrease the amount you love another person. Having a second child doesn’t reduce how much you love your first. Having two parents doesn’t split your love in half. Having more than one partner doesn’t divide your love.

      And before anyone becomes disgusted because I made comparisons to family, (while not perfect) I am defining love as caring deeply for another human being and not as anything sexual. Personally, I would try to use this line of thought to solve my feelings of being devalued.

      Now, I think it is obvious that what your partner wants is something sexual with another person and emotions are just along for the ride. So, ask yourself, is it emotional attachment, sexual experience with another person, or both that bothers you? Can you deal with these feelings or are they deal-breakers for you? And what I just said was a false dilemma, there are more choices than that, I just didn’t list them all.

      So I personally would tell my partner to do what she wants/needs to do. I’d be with her, or let her go on her own, depending on how it goes. And I’d probably tell her about my feelings of trepidation (but be careful not to let it get unpleasant, be honest but tactful) and say that I am uncertain about it. I’d say that I wasn’t sure if I could handle it and tell her that maybe later I’d have to say that I can’t handle it and we need to talk about it again.

      Again, this is just the advice of someone who is completely unqualified to give this advice. I am rather tempted to say nothing because I worry that I might say something stupid or influence you negatively. So, take this with a grain of salt. No, like, more salt. How is salt measure? Whatever, a ton of salt. Think about these things, but make your own decisions. Nothing I have said is absolute.
      ________________________________
      My PhD was purchased online for 50,000 rupees.

  7. I can understand why the OP feels the way he does. I’m a lesbian and I wouldn’t feel comfortable if my girlfriend wanted to explore her sexuality with guys. A lot of the times, bisexuals are labeled by others as either gay or straight once they settle down, because it’s not a social norm for people to mess around with other people (well, not a positive social norm.) after they’ve chosen a partner. I can also understand what the girl is thinking. Boys and girls function very differently. While she’s not trying to decide whether she likes boys or girls better, per se, it’s just something that’s very different. It feels different, and the experiences are different. I wouldn’t go so far as to call it selfish to want to experience these things, but one should definatly take into account their partner’s feelings about these things. And from what the OP has said, it sounds like she does, and that you both respect eachother very much :) Good luck getting her to talk about it, I think that’s important

  8. I guess I’m kind of on the other end of the spectrum here.. I am a girl (almost 20) in a heterosexual relationship, and I really really love my boyfriend and definitely see it going on for a long time. However, at the back of my mind for a few years I’ve had thoughts about perhaps wanting to experiment with girls – even if I weren’t to like it at all. Even if it were to go out on a casual date and find it wasn’t for me, you know. But now I’m in this big relationship and I know he would be devastated if I asked to look outside the relationship for a female date of any kind, and to be honest, I don’t WANT to do that. I’m way committed to him and I don’t think I could have a polyamorous relationship at this point. I would feel weird with anyone else! But I feel like at the same time, now these thoughts are going to be suppressed until that unknown day in the (hopefully distant!) future.. And then at the same time, I know my boyfriend would feel weird about it even if I did explore my sexuality way after my relationship with him ended, because he’d constantly wonder if he was the reason I ‘went off men’ or if I was always thinking about being with a girl while I was with him (I know this because we’ve discussed it). So I feel almost obligated to never even think about girls, even though I might have sort of bisexual tendencies or whatever.. It’s a weird place to be in.

    • I’m in the same position here. Except I took a break… and then he couldn’t stand us being on break so we broke up under the condition that we both had things to do and were going to try being back together some day… and then he couldn’t stand waiting around so he tried to burn the bridge, except we both love each other a lot, and…. it’s just not working out so well.
      I’m not done exploring and learning about myself and I have no idea what to do.

  9. So I don’t know if anyone wants the conclusion to what happened with me and my girlfriend, but….
    She dumped me. Said she needed to get to know herself and see other people. So my self esteem, as one can expect is at its absolute highest. I’ve never felt better about myself. EVER. But all sarcastic self pity aside, I just thought I should post what “path” we chose, because…. actually, I don’t really know why, just seemed like the thing to do.

    • I’m very much in the same spot you were in, just before the break-up. My gf wants more experience as well and proposed an open relationship. I refused and explained why I didn’t want this (I just can’t stand the thought of her having sex with another person, at least not without me around; plus I’m scared of losing her to someone else), and now we’re facing a ‘break’. She explained to me that one side of her wants to explore her sexuality, and the other side still loves me very much. Because she doesn’t really want to talk about it I really am at my wits end here, and feel we are growing apart :(

  10. think of this…say a guy and gal have an open relationship and you are the third person? they will have each other while you are lonely and invited over for one or maybe both of them when they are horny or whatever. doesn’t this seem like your ganged up on in a sense by two people that hold the love for each other but play with you in their down time? I don’t know how I feel about this open relationship stuff. I speak this way because I am convinced I have fallen in love with a guy friend in a committed but open relationship with his bi girlfriend. I have real emotions and jealousy. It’s not her fault, but I like removing the idea of her from the picture. Of course when it comes down to it she is his everything and as much as he promises to like you back it feels weird. Anyone have an experience to share from this perspective?

  11. Hi, I’m slightly worried about a friend. She’s with this guy now and he’s made advances on this other girl, and he’s stated before that he liked different girl in our little group, and also another one, and another one. So he’s basically liked 3 girls that he’s confessed of, and in all a matter of a few months. Now he’s with her and I’m not sure if he’s just cruising around trying to find someone that will give into what he wants or if their could be any advice that I can give her about everything. Or maybe some way i could rephrase the ‘cruising around’ thing to something a little less insulting. I mainly just kinda see what your opinion is on it. Anything will help, I just don’t want her getting caught of guard and getting hurt.

  12. My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years now which has been absolutely wonder. He is bi by I don’t care we made it through him telling me already. Recently we have started having problems though. It is obvious to me that before we met he was a much more lose person when it came to sex. He dropped all of this because we became serious but the problem lies with the friends he keeps. They are constantly talking to him in a way that I am extremely uncomfortable with like telling him they are down to sleep with him and sending him naked pictures of both males and females. I do not want to take his friends away and would never ask that of him (although he has told me he stopped talking to may of his friends already because they were worse somehow.) He has asked them to stop many time and tried to explain that we are serious but is friends have made it obvious they don’t believe in serious relationships.I am worried because many of they have told him they hate me (even though they have never met me) and some have refused to speak to me when they did. I feel very out casted and hurt that they won’t give me a chase just because I love him and want to be with him. He is slowly feeling like he has to stop talking to all of his friends(by his own choice) and now I feel guilty that he is having to choose. anything?

  13. In response to your anal sex video, I have an odd question. Me and my fiancé have been together for almost three years and have gotten a lot of experience sexually together. We have had a decent amount of anal sex and I love love love it, but now there’s a big problem.. A couple weeks ago we were going to do it again and usually it doesn’t hurt at all, but it did.. A LOT! Soo.. I went to the doctor and she said I have an internal hemeroid.. :( I asked her the big question “how can you get rid of it”? And she said “there is no way and you will have to deal with it the rest of your life”.. IS THAT TRUE??? I forgot to mention I can only climax through oral clit pleasure or anal.. What do I do Laci? Please make this one a personal message response at first, but I know I’m not the only one with this problem so please eventually make a video.
    Lots of love and positive vibrations your way~
    – Amber Crystal Malone

  14. how i should find the right one gf, iam no-promiscuous , non-cheating, not like much alcohol or never use drugs etc, just nrmal guy like many others, now iam 32 and even iam looking for that over ten yrs (ten yrs got it? oh :-/) I am still just dreaming about havin a sex with woman allowing me stick into her rear’s. Not seeking for hc anal servis like from pro pron star, jsut allow me nad liok it too
    . as i counted i had 3 girls per year including the fact, thath no one was for one or two nights. hobby and there errent all the same nature. but hd one thing similar. disguise or not curious to trz the anal. i dont want pay some slut fore letting me in, but also dont want end as anal virgin (/means in way iam only straight way oriented adn as much as getting me imeagination of doing anal sex woith sone girl as nore disguised mne just small thinfs about doing it with other guy grosh”straight heterosexual oriented]. Even worsr listening how just barely legal teens are more u to than past years. but i think that i dont need have tpo explaion the fact, that any teen girl are not for doing anal wothold fart when seh can has aNNY

  15. dont know why, but when i see some scene wioth that tzpe of sex, i get insta boner hard as stone :D not saying i dont like normal way of making love,love and it and much, but wanting try also this and even licking her on that parts (but no tongue inside oh my, i think its so attractive cause felling of doing something forbidden or pretty naughty, bt actually keepin in normal norm.-My heart almost bleed whan iam rading or hearing someone talking about his gf and how she like it in that way so she would asks for i!well my biggest and the most secrets and naughty dream is be with tow girls licking each other on tahr parts and allowing me to put inside any hole, just thinking about it made me crazy and it coudnt happen in public. bye and have nice time
    analovinguybwhosenevertriedit

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