Losing Roger

I need to get this off my chest.

Click to listen to an audio version of this story. (4:35)


When I was 13, I rode the bus to school every morning. And every morning, 5 stops after mine, a lanky kid with sharply gelled brown hair, a black sweatshirt, and grey Dickies would walk on and walk straight to the back. Once, there were no more seats in the back, and he ended up sitting by me. I was excited because…welllll, I thought he was pretty cute. We started talking that day, and from then on, every day Roger* would sit by me on the bus.

Since we got to school a little early from taking the bus, we would sit together until the bell rang…and then at lunch…and then on the bus home…and eventually we started hanging out after school. In the times we were apart from each other, we would write notes. We passed these notes, sometimes one page long and sometimes 5 pages long, to each other during passing period or right before departing for the day. We wrote about our anxieties, our relationships, parents, religion, and mostly depression. We were both morbidly depressed teenagers. When we first met, he was much more suicidal than I was, even though I was the only one in treatment. We would talk about getting old together, about the days when we knew we would finally feel good, and we knew we wanted to share that together. These notes were so special to me. I saved every single one.

Roger and I continued writing notes and being attached at the hip all through high school. We had our bumps, though. Most particularly, I remember he got into a serious relationship and was forbidden by his girlfriend to see me any more. Those were some of the worst times. Roger and I stayed friends through most of it though. Once they broke up when he was starting college, things were back to normal. But, it didn’t take long for Roger to get into a relationship again. He was rarely single. And again, with the new woman in his life, he was forbidden from seeing me any more. We sneaked meetings, just like we had in high school, but it was hard. I was angry at him for leaving me and he was dealing with all of the issues that come with a controlling relationship. He would vent about how miserable he was with her, but when I chimed in, he would turn around and defend her. This woman turned him into someone completely different than the sensitive, loyal friend I had grown up with.

Roger has been in this relationship for years now, and he and I only talk maybe twice a year at this point. It kills me inside, and if I ever met his girlfriend, it would be hard to stay neutral. She took away my best friend, and to some degree, he let it happen. But, the way I see it, he tried, but she wouldn’t allow it.

To any person there who tries to control their partner and regulate their life, fuck off. Check yourself, because it isn’t your place. Healthy relationships make room for all the people in each other’s life as connections that you can both embrace. Control, power dynamics, manipulation, lies, and threats don’t just hurt your partner, they hurt everybody who loves them too. If that isn’t the ultimate in selfishness, I don’t know what is.

PS
Rog, I still have your hat.

78 thoughts on “Losing Roger

  1. Laci, I’ve been in a similar situation many times before. Mostly because I love talking to and listening to people. It takes a special kind of person for me to really care but when I do, a lot of guys find it threatening (probably because they’re not willing to put in the time, emotion, effort or energy as I am). I find it quite pathetic that people can be so insecure but it also falls on the other person who isn’t strong enough to realize where loyalties should really lay.

  2. Having been in Roger’s shoes before I can say this much:
    If you are reading this man, life CAN be better! Love shouldn’t require full blown submission and don’t let anyone tell you any different.

    >————:-D————< huggle for laci :-P

  3. Ugh, I despise those kinds of people who control others that way. Roger needs to learn that no partner is better than being miserable with an abusive partner! Perhaps you could direct him to TheraminTree’s video series on Transactional Analysis. Help him understand the game that he is being suckered into playing with this chick.

    You are a wonderful and intelligent person Laci. I really hope that Roger comes to his senses and realizes how you as a friend are much better company than any controlling bitch ever will be!

  4. Ive also been in Roger’s shoes, and now i know it was the biggest mistake of my life. if ur partner insists on controlling you, then they’re not worth it. They domt want to be with you, they want to be with the person they’ve turned you into

  5. i can imagine what your are going through…

    i lost touch with y bestest friend.. the only difference is that i was in roger’s shoes and she was in urs…

    believe me, being a guy i can tell u dat it id lot more complex than this… m sure he wants to talk to u, nd he might be suffering as well…

    i miss my frnd.. a lot sometimes.. but then i feel helpless…

  6. I have seen a lot of this recently with my friends and people I know. Some people just won’t allow their partners to see certain friends of either gender, but what’s worse is the people who just go along with what their partner tells them to do.

    The thing is, when these relationships break down these people expect the friendships to go back to how they were and that’s just not on at all.

    Sorry you’ve lost such a great and close friend to a relationship like that Laci.

  7. I saw second hand that no good can come for being jealous and controlling.
    And that being jealous can controlling come from being insicure about ones self.

    Obviously Roger has some… problems… I don’t really know who else to phrase that. And so does this woman.

    There’s not really anything good or positive to say here. We can only hope that people in relationships like this get out of them.

    Also, if anyone if really insecure about some part of them… please work on it before you start dating. “You have you be happy with yourself, before you can be happy with someone else.”

  8. I’ve had a girl try to do that to me.
    She wanted me to delete all the girls from my phone, and from facebook, ect.
    That very same day, out of spite, I had sex with her, and broke up with her. Of course she freaked, and asked if it was someone else. All I could do was look at her and go “No…your just terrible in bed.” and walked out of her house. Never heard from her again :)

  9. aww… ;( i think it happens to a lot of us.
    yet in my case she was always happy with her girlfriend…

    then after leaving for college, our friendship dwindled to nothing more than acquaintances .

  10. Why do people do this stuff with their partners?! I honestly don’t see how someone could be with someone they don’t trust o doesn’t trust them.

  11. I almost had something similar happen to me with my best friend. Him and I were friends ever since 7th grade and we’re both 21 now. Maybe 3 years ago he started dating this girl who despised me because of how close him and I were and she tried telling him to stop talking to me and such. Our phone calls became less frequent and I liked to think it was mostly because of him being in college and being busy, but I knew that a large part of it was her. What really saved our friendship was that she actually moved to a different state! I considered myself really lucky because my friend then broke up with her after she moved and we now talk to each other a lot! He always asks me why he even dated her to begin with, haha.
    I’ve always said that you can not change a person and you can not control them. If you truly love someone, love them for who they are and that includes their friends. If their friends aren’t hurting them in any way or trying to ruin things, then accept them! I just wish more people understood that and were more accepting.

  12. Let’s be serious. She can’t control him. He’s a grown man. He chooses to be with her, and he chooses to not be with Laci. It’s pretty cut and dry. I dunno if it’s so wise to pine over old High School relationships friends or otherwise. If you’ve drifted apart, it may be better to embrace what you had than to try and start something anew. Flavors change and they don’t always blend.

    • “Flavors change and they don’t always blend.”

      You maybe right, but being right doesn’t wash the bitter taste out of your mouth.

      Laci sorry this happened to you. Losing a friend like this feels like you’ve lost them to an unexpected death. You feel like so much is unresolved, and so much possibility lost. All of these good memories of them replay in your head, so it’s hard to accept that while they may look the same outwardly they are no longer inwardly the same person you’re remembering.

    • if someone is in an emotionally abusive relationship, they can not always tell. so no, it is not his choice if she is manipulating him into thinking it is best for him, when really she is not him and can not say what is best!

      it sounds like they had a great relationship in high school. maybe friends do drift apart, but they should not be FORCED apart by someone who supposedly is trust worthy.

      sounds to me like you might be the manipulator in relationships, trying to justify your actions.

  13. wow, it’s pretty cool that you had a friend like that growing up. someone you can share your saddest and most personal issues with. i wish i had someone like that growing up. i know what it’s like to lose your friends. it sucks. I’m kinda in the same situation with one of my childhood friends right now. i haven’t seen or talked to him since before last summer.

  14. its life and things like that happens you will find a great friend or some day he will come back.
    I hope you feel better

  15. I have been the one controled once.
    I will never let this happen again. I despise envy.
    Perhaps Roger will break the chains sometime.

  16. Laci,

    I sympathize. Let me tell you, sometimes, pleading with them to think for themselves doesn’t work. They just aim to please… all the wrong people. The important thing is, you were there. You kept a cool head, and you were willing to open up to him. Maybe, someday, he’ll be back to “get his hat back”… I sincerely hope things turn out well for the two of you.

  17. im srry that happened to u laci, i have a couple female friends who dont talk to me much for the same reason and it drives me bonky!!

  18. I was in the same predicament, only the genders are swapped and she and her boyfriend broke up, but now she barely talks to me. I’m so angry that this random ass guy could ever come between what we had, and I’ve accepted growing apart from her, but I still remember some days the pain of her just cutting ties with me for her boyfriend. I know we won’t ever have what we used to, but I get where you’re coming from. Time heals.

  19. Laci

    I know your followers / viewers are mostly younger but I’ve been through this same thing in my past. Some of my ex girlfriends wouldn’t let me talk to some of my other past girl friends before them. For some strange reason I’m friends with a lot more women then men. Anyway, luckily now, my wife lets me talk to some of my ex girl friends via facebook and Skype. Probably because my wife trusts me and my wife gave me something no other women did. A beautiful daughter. I don’t ever want to hurt daddy’s little girl! Let alone my wife. Men and women can be friends without a sexual relationship. Trust me, I know.

  20. Ah, “Roger”. Ive had a Roger and also been one. It is so lonely being a rodger, you feel so trapped but don’t want to let go. But you have to come to a painful realization eventually that you can not live the rest of your life like that and either get more freedom or leave. We all need to understand that as much as we love that person, they are not your property! They are humans as yourself and need freedom for happiness. I really hope Rodger gets out of the relationship sooner than later. :(

  21. Dear Laci,
    I know how you feel and i totally agree that people in a relationship shouldn’t try to manipulate their partners by telling them who they should talk or shouldn’t talk. We are human beings not some property that people think they can own and do as they please with them. I was in the same situation where my ex girlfriend had forbidden me to talk to my best friend of 3 years now at the time of a year and it was extremely hard to not talk to someone who understands you and knows you better than your own partner. I was stupid enough to actually go by what she told me and i lost my best friend then. I was lucky enough to have such a good friend that she took me back many times and she was always there to help me no matter the situation. I really do regret stop talking to her because of someone that i thought i was in love and now we arent even together but i still have my best friend and we are closer than we were before and now i know i will never do that to her..

  22. This really hit close to home with me… not quite the same, since my story involves a best friend who was controlled and badly influenced by a boyfriend, but the result was basically the same. Luckily she broke up with him and found someone better, and I hope the same happens for your friend. Nobody deserves to be treated like a prisoner by the one they love.

  23. Unfortunately this is a very common situation and guys seem to be the ones most involved. It seems a little counterintuitive but so are a lot of other things in life. One way to view this is to realize what happened can not be changed. If you look at it from a purely philosophical aspect it was menat to happen as it did, I know that is no solace but easier to handle. It almost sounds like the argument religions use to explain the calamities of life. It is not as it is based on determinism and not fate. Then again Roger for what ever reason needs that relationship. If that is the case Roger needs to realize that he doesn’t need to explain anything to his girlfriend he needs to be himself, to feel the things he feels without jugement. That is how she controls him, not letting him have feelings for others.

  24. Ive been in both your shoes and Rogers shoes here Lace… They are both shitty situations. I’ve lost at least 3 very close friends because my then ex had insecurities about herself and felt threatened by those women.

    And that same ex whom I would have considered a friend now wont talk to me in public because her new bf has a case of the green eyed monster worse than the Hulk. But my attitude differs from yours here, I say fuck’em I wouldnt expect my friends to forgive my behaviour anymore than I am willing to tolerate her’s. She can enjoy her new jealous bf and if she realises one day what a friend she lost its her own fault and if she doesnt then she wasnt worth the time.

    Still, it sucks to be in the situation and I hope you feel better about Roger one day. From what we all see of you he is an idiot for losing such a friend. Have an internet hug… (*HUG*)

  25. I have to be honest. I tried to control my ex in a way. I just tried to keep her from seeing one of her friends. I know controlling relationships are wrong and she was pissed at me for trying to keep her from hanging out with him but her first was when she cheated on me and I knew that he kept on trying to sleep with her. What I was doing was trying to keep her from cheating on me because even if she didn’t let him I knew he would still try. Its a different situation but I still think that a relationship with control is wrong, I hope I don’t see another one like your laci.

    • Just a suggestion, but if your gf cheated on you and you can’t trust her not to do it again than a break up would probably be in order. If you really have to forcibly keep them from cheating then there is definitely a problem with the relationship.

  26. I agree 100% with this, if you love someone YOU WILL allow them to have friends and family because they are an important part of your partners life and they wouldn’t be who they are w/o them. So in a sense you are rejecting your very partner by rejecting their friends/family/environment from which they came….thx for sharing this Laci, It was very heartfelt and I totally know how this feels.

  27. pretty much the same situation, Laci. Boy was my bestfriend, he called me his sister. Though, I know the girl that took him away from me. I thought her and I were friends. She backstabbed me, told him to stop talking to me, and he let it happen. It was like the passed 3 years never happened and he didn’t care about any of it. It’s been over a year now since we stopped talking completely, and though it still kills me inside everyday to see him in school, I know I deserve someone better in my life. Someone who truly appreciates my friendship. I deserve better. It took me so long to finally accept this. You deserve better, Laci. <3

  28. Laci, sweetie! I didn’t know you were depressed as a kid! Awww… we all need those people to get us out of the holes in life. If you hadn’t found yours, I can’t imagine what would’ve happened.

    Roger, break up with that girl. Or guy. I don’t judge.

  29. A little off topic but I would just like to pose a question to laci and the peoples of the comment chain.
    Who would you rather see nude? (they know but don’t judge you. Also no sexual contact) your “best”, opposite sex friend? A model/actor of your choice? A porn star? Or your partner (assuming you havn’t already)
    This pole relates to the “porn makes you fantasize” claim.

  30. I’m sorry, Laci :( I can’t imagine what that’s like..
    I’m already a very jealous person. I’ve never been in a relationship, but I am convinced that I will be a terrible girlfriend for this reason. My jealousy and envy are definitely products of my insecurities.. I know it’s childish, and I’d like to change it. My question is, does anyone have any tips on how to get over jealousy? :/

    And @pmgroundhog, I’d rather see my best friend. He’s beautiful, but never believes me when I tell him.

  31. Laci I totally feel you on this. The sad thing is this selfish act is commuted mostly by women who are insecure about their partners conversing with other members of their sex.

    Don’t get me wrong, men do this too. But it feels like women commite this crime A LOT. and no one says anything, it’s the equivalent of an abusive relationship where someone isolates you from people you love and would help you.

    Fuck this inequality. Fuck the hypocrisy. And most of all fuck the people who are THAT selfish.

  32. Ah, that’s sad. I actually made my boyfriend stop seeing a female friend of his, but was because they were exes and she made an attempt to get him in bed while I was out of town… I tried to be reasonable about it at first, but eventually it was too much of a strain for me so I gave him the ultimatum – I guess I “won”.

    I think in the cases of truly platonic friendships though, it could only be damaging to put restrictions on your partner in any way – it would only damage your relationship and their friendships and benefit no one.

  33. Thats terrible, I’m sorry you’ve lost touch with such a wonderful friendship. :(
    I really hope someday soon he reads this and realizes what he is losing.

  34. Awww that’s not fair at all.

    I understand the feelings of jealousy, because it is only natural. But it’s how you act upon those feelings that is important. Everyone’s partner will probably have a friend of the opposite sex, but it is NOT fair to tell them they can’t see them. A relationship should be based on loyalty, trust, honesty. A controlling relationship is damaging, give each other space. If someone was that worried about their partner seeing other people, you could even suggest you go along with them and you can all hang out together. Or even talking to your partner about how you feel. Compromise is important in every relationship to keep balance, making people feel restricted about who they can see isn’t going to make anyone feel good. Open up, think about how you feel and if it’s fair to your partner. Stopping and thinking rationally is important, is it really fair to ask your partner to stop seeing their friends? And how would you feel if they did it to you?

    But that is only my opinion :)

    Although I do think in K’s case, it was understandable for her to ask her boyfriend not to see his ex if she did that. So there would be exceptions.

  35. I know exactly what you’re talking about, I am a guy and I am only 15, but the same thing kind of happened to me. When people are together for a long time, they build up a relationship like no other. Not like if they fell in love, though. This is different. Separating the two after that is extremely hard, but I’m pretty sure it has to happen someday. I have lost a bunch of friends that I really trusted. For example: there was this girl in my class since 2nd grade or so, I felt like I had a really strong relationship with her (from my side). We changed schools twice and we were together the whole time (I’m in 9th grade now). But one summer, everything changed. We came to a new school (the first day) and she started ignoring me, like not completely, but it was bad. It took about a week in the new class and she actually stopped talking to me completely, got a new “gang” started drinking and smoking and just completely fucked up what we had. Here, in the Czech Republic, kids smoke and drink from when they’re 10-13. I’m serious. I’m American, but I moved here as a kid. I actually smoked for like a month or two when I was about 8. I am now a loser (at least I feel like one), with only a few friends and that’s mostly because I don’t drink or smoke, just because I know how stupid both of those things are.

  36. I know how this feels, my uncle married a woman with BPD and she has convinced him that everyone is out to get them. My mother and I included. He now honestly believes that my mother has not been there for him in over 20 years, which would mean that I do not know him… I think it’s horrible that I have so many great memories that revolve around him and now if he hears I’m spending time with my grandparents he gets mad.

  37. Bitches be crazy! He’ll get out of that relationship and you two should get together, sounds like there’s some love between you two.

  38. I can’t help but feel bad because I sort of fall into the category of “keeping an eye on my boyfriend’s life with other girls.” I’m not too horrible. I don’t make him delete every female contact on his phone or off his facebook. I just like knowing who they are I guess. But recently. My boyfriend started talking to an old friend. She is female. They texted a few times. And it didn’t bother me. What bothers me now is she gave him her best friend’s number. And since then, he has been texting this other girl non stop. He now ignores his actual friend to talk to this girl. And he refuses to let me explain how hurt I am that he also barely talks to me. Should I feel upset about this or should I back off?…

  39. And I’m sorry I didn’t say this in my other post. I’m so sorry Laci. I have had friends ditch me and pretty much forget me because of a boyfriend or girlfriend. It sucks. Much love <3

  40. wow… coming from a girlfriend who made my boyfriend stop talking to one of his girl-friends the whole “fuck off” portion is way too strong!

    I always make it a point to meet my boyfriend’s friends and if i think he/she is a bad influence or temptation I tell him that I’m not comfortable with him talking that person.

    The girl I didn’t want him talking to was awful! he would even tell me how she would expose her body in front of him and tell him how she preferred to be waxed… down there…

    I know you want to believe in a world where everyone can be comfortable with the human body like its just another object…. but I found it very inappropriate for her to talk about and expose her body parts at my boyfriend and other guys.

    Men get tempted especially when thier as easy as her.

    THAT’S THE REAL WORLD.

    From your extensive social media, I take it you are one of those girls who is comfortable talking about what society deems as “inappropriate”
    you confided in this guy about things you couldn’t tell anyone else.

    but guess what?
    he probably told his girlfriends what you said, after all you were, im assuming, a big part of his life… so naturally you would come up in a conversation.

    but she should’ve at least met you before judging you, that’s her mistake.

    • Sounds like you have fully justified your manipulative behavior. Don’t try to disguise it as “just being realistic” because that’s not what it is. YOUR boyfriend decides who he wants to talk to and hang out with. If he doesn’t like her he won’t hang out with her. You not trusting your boyfriend around woman who apparently do inappropriate things just because “Men get tempted” shows your sexism and generally distrust of your partner.

      Which brings me to the question, if you distrust your partner, why are you with him? I mean really, if you can’t trust him to choose wisely who he hangs out with, in what other areas do you not trust his ability to make decisions?

      I also can’t believe you tried to make the claim that “THAT’S THE REAL WORLD.” What, so your own experiences are more in touch with reality than other people’s just because yours is the negative outlook? Give me a break.

      • of course a man would say that,
        why do you think laci is making this whole sex positive movement?
        to change it.

        people are fake, selfish, and do the strangest things.

        THAT IS THE REAL WORLD.

  41. Many hugs for Laci

    It seems many people have been put in the same position :(
    I know I have, from a male friend and a female friend, whos partner is abusive which makes it all the more frustrating being cut out.
    I know i felt/feel frustrated and hurt by it, and how deep that can go when after all you’ve been through, how close you were, it’s as if they don’t even respect you enough to state they want to keep you in their lives.
    I can’t imagine how much worse that would be when that person had been such a pillar of support as it sounds he was to you.

    I really hope things work out for you Laci.

    And for the comments from other girls who are saying it’s ok to have a tighter hold over your boyfriends activities around certain friends simply because they have a vagina, in the eloquent words of the internet: STFU or GTFO.
    On top of everything else it’s a massive insult to your boyfriends integrity and morality by pretty much saying if a girl hugs him or unzips her flies around him (if they are being inapropriate) he’s gonna loose all self control and just do her. Most men think with more than just their penis. And if you’re unfortunate enough to have landed someone who would cheat – no ammount of control and manipulation is going to stop that and it will only leave you miserable and paranoid, which isn’t fair either.

    So respect your partner. If they don’t respect you – then respect yourself instead and walk away.

  42. Laci, I can totally relate to this, but in the opposite side…at Roger’s side. I was in an incredibly controlling relationship for what seemed like an eternity, it was one of the most horrific experiences of my life. For almost 2 years I was forbidden to see my friends, do anything social with anyone but HIS friends and was even threatened if I didn’t move out of my parent’s house and in to his. It wasn’t a good time but for some reason I stuck with it. Have no fear that Roger will constantly think about you and try to find a way to get back in touch, but controlling parters are terrible and manipulative. Roger and I seem like quite similar people, and hopefully he find a relationship (SOON) where he isn’t so much “allowed” to hangout with his friends but his partner will understand the importance of staying in touch with their friends.

    Thankfully I am no longer in that controlling relationship (haven’t been for a year and a half and it feels AMAZING!) and am finally with someone who treats me with respect, cares for me and understands when I need to hangout with my friends, man or woman. I pray that he sees the light that no one is worth your time if they are so insecure that they won’t allow you to see your friend. Fingers crossed and lots of love!

  43. I know what this is like. One of my friends got a super controlling boyfriend and I was put on a blacklist from seeing her just because…well I don’t know why. It only took a while for me to realize that she wasn’t even trying to make friends with the people he blacklisted, even after they eventually broke up. I don’t even like that woman anymore.

    Anyways, the reason I say this is that girl had super controlling parents and didn’t know what a life of freedom was like, didn’t know what it meant to have her human rights respected. These types of upbringings tend to result in people getting into relationships that work the same way. The other person is super controlling and claims it’s because they love them so much or “know what’s best for them.”

    Perhaps your friend Roger has something similar, and it should be recognized for what it is, abuse.

  44. I get both sides. I had a bf that had a best friend that was a girl. Her was closer with her then he was with me. I never once mentioned him not seeing or talking to, but I REALLY wanted to. So those girls are going to far but when guys are usually come off as so single minded its hard to believe that they can have a friend thats a girl without part of them that wants to sleep with them. It’s probably even harder for these girls when your such a beautiful, confident sex guru, really what guy wouldn’t want you? :p

    On the other side though I have friends that are guys and there girl friends wont let us hang out anymore. Its hard to tell them that the girl is to controlling and do something about it with out coming off as jealous or controlling my self. The only girlfriend that I ever won over, I sent time with the two of them together. I tried not to be as close or as comfortable with him as a usually was and eventually she came around.

    I’m sorry, losing a best friend is the hardest. Hope things work out!! <3 <3

  45. not much more to say, just a ‘hug’ to let you know one more person out here cares about you and wants you to find all the happiness you deserve :)

  46. You know, Laci, I’ve already been at Roger’s point. And at his girlfriend’s. At the same time.
    My first big relationship (2 years) was full of controlling. He was controlling me and I was controlling him.
    I knew it sucked to controll because I knew what it feels like – but I was so attached to him that I didn’t care. He cheated on me all the time and I thought I could make this stop, but I couldn’t.

    Lesson learned: If you don’t trust him, leave him.
    Controlling isn’t the way to stop someone from being mean to you.

  47. Story of my life, except with my step dad who was like my bestfriend. He left me and my mum for a woman he met online. I contunied to see him after and would defend him when my family would talk bad on him, but i could see he wasn’t the same person. I tried my hardest to be welcoming and kind his girlfriend, but tbh she was a cunt. After a while he decieds to tell me via text that we should only see eachother fornightly and his too busy. I told him that he just fucked up the one good person left in his life and didn’t look back. He still hasn’t called me to this day and i’m so much stronger because of it. I see now that my mommy is my one constant good thing in my life and each day is amazing to me. LOVE LIFE AND LACI YOUR AMAZIN’ <3 :)

  48. Hey Laci,

    I’ve been watching your vids on youtube for a while now, but looks like I still missed out on a lot :(. I believe that the most important thing to being happy is knowing life’s fundamentals. Our values and perspective are a reflection of those fundamentals, and our priorities are a reflection of our values and perspective. Of course losing him as a friend will/does hurt, but you certainly deserve better and clearly he, as well as his perspective, have changed since you were both younger. If keeping his girlfriends is more important to him than keeping you as a friend…well, to me that is self explanatory. Whether it was an easy decision for him or not, he had to make one. If you’re not worth his time, he shouldn’t be worth much of yours. Again, you deserve better. Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

    -Cait

  49. I feel like I’m a Rodger. My boyfriend does not let me hang out with any boy because he considers it a date, and I’m not sure if I agree with that. We’ve been dating for over a year now, and I do love him, but that aspect of our relationship has always bugged me. At the beginning of our relationship (two months in) I went out with one of my old friends, and because he went to a different school, I was excited to catch up. But as soon as my boyfriend found out about it (because I told him), he basically made me feel like I cheated on him. I felt so guilty, and I figured since this was my first serious relationship, that I just didn’t know how they worked, and that I actual did cheat. I’m not sure if he doesn’t trust me or if he doesn’t trust my friends or if he’s just insecure. If you have any advice about how to get out of this situation, please share. Because, honestly, I really miss my friends.

  50. I think I speak for at least most of your adoring fans when I say we love and care about you Laci very much. I’ve been in similar situations with girlfriends in the past so I can certainly relate. I wish I had some magical nugget of wisdom to pass on to you to make it all better and give you blue skies and bring back that awesome beautiful smile again but unfortunately I don’t. All I can tell you is time heals all wounds.

  51. I guess I am too insecure/immature/selfish to feel ok with my boyfriend having such a close relationship with a beautiful girl like you.

  52. It’s just as bad when your two best friends date then break up. My best friend since 7th grade started dating this girl that i grew attached to as a friend senior year of high school. Sooner and later they break up and she starts dating this other guy for roughly a month. The 7th grade friend completely says were dating right before the two broke up. So he comes to me to vent which I am normal to that on an everyday basis. He kept saying that she cheated on him and stuff which i kept refuting because she was still my friend. He calls me a bad friend for not saying that his ex-girlfriend cheated on him. I no longer associate with either of them. It’s amazing what petty relationships do to make us lose our best friends. :( Love you lots Laci! ~Jonasan

  53. Laci, that amelia is the one who made you so sad ?

    i’ve been in your place, a horrible girl took my best friend away, i cried for months and i still do
    my perfect little listener is far from my heart

    i’m with you dear Laci <3

    • very well written and very true.. in the ennidg paragraph i was thinking that story was getting fictitious but finally it got turn and it was true ennidg very well written ..

  54. This happened to me too Laci. My good friend, Tanner, ditched out on me multiple times because his controlling girlfriend didn’t like me (btw, she had never met me and had no real reason to dislike me).

    He and I don’t talk anymore. I tried to meet up with him when I came back home last Christmas (I currently live about 3,000 miles away from my hometown), and he said he couldn’t hang out with me because his girlfriend (who lives maybe 10 miles away from him) was visiting him at the time.

    Needless to say, I find his friendship to be completely worthless at this point and time, and I mourn the death of my good friend.

  55. I don’t know what to tell you sweetheart. I can really give my honest opion on this without talking shit about one of your oldest friends.

  56. I agree, I have no problem with my wife going out to sing karaoke or just hang with her friend from HS, jealousy and control is a relationship breaker.

    Now that is ONE thing not to control someone else, but it is really hard not to BE controlled if you really love someone, you want to do anything and everything not to disappoint them and if that is how your friends relationship is then step back and watch it dissolve eventually because it WILL, might take a long time but control leads nowhere but to nothing, could happen in a week or in a couple of years, who knows.

  57. I never thought about it like this. I have a boyfriend and we both do stuff like that to each other. There was a guy I liked in high school who rejected me pretty harshly who my boy friend is friends with and I often tell him not to be friends with him anymore. Likewise, he’s insisted that I cut ties with my ex-boyfriend who I managed to stay on good terms with. While I’m not inclined to put the guy who rejected me in a favorable light, I can see now that it isn’t my place to dictate my boy friend’s relationships. Thanks, Laci.

  58. While I agree completely and utterly with what Laci says – Control is ALWAYS a no.. Eh, I cant help but think there are two sides to every story.

    At the end of the day, there couldve been a reason this girl felt insecure.

    I was in a relationship like that once. I never stopped my boyfriend seeing his friends or even mentioned it.. but I would say, now, that I would have been stronger for mentioning it. Why? I was told by him that I would always come second place to his best girl friend. I was ‘only a girlfriend’ and not in the same league as her. He would often say how she was perfect for him, but wouldnt have him – to my face, after sex. She would look down her nose at me for taking her ‘buddy’ away even though I never said a word, and he drummed this into my head. I kept silent. And I hurt. She would laugh at me. She would put me down to him. He’d take it. Sometimes he’d defend me, but not always.

    I was made out to be the bad guy even though I hadnt said a word. This girl didnt even want a relationship with that boyfriend, but she HATED the fact he had a relationship with someone else. She was mean to me. She was mean about me. She was passive-aggressive, while putting on the innocent act. She loved having my boyfriend wrapped around her finger.. Not that she ever lost it, but she was afraid to lose it.

    And I kept fucking quiet, and I shouldn’t have done. I shouldve spoken out about how she treated me behind his back AND infront of his face, and left him (sooner) if he didnt see how wrong that was.

    I’m not saying Laci reacted like this at all, I very very much doubt it, but we cannot see into this girls head. We dont know the reasons for her controlling behaviour.

    At the end of the day, you’re supposed to care about the person you’re in a relationship with – and to an extent, in a friend group, they come first. Theyre the one you’re intimate with. Friends are ‘friends’ for a reason. A girlfriend means more than a friend.

    Who knows what really happened. I dont think we should judge the girl in this story unless we know for certain. I dont think even Laci will know how her friend treated this girl, or what he couldve said to her that may have lead to her reacting like this.

    Or, she’s just a controlling bitch who was simply jealous of Laci, and didnt care what efforts her boyfriend made to make her feel secure and consequently acted irrationally and absolutely out of order.

    But we just dont know.

    • i couldn’t agree more… i was very close to some of my guy friends; i told them all of my deepest secrets, my grand ambitions, my random musings, and they listened to all of it. every time. i was always myself, always comfortable.

      but when it comes to relationships, i wanted him to find happiness with someone that wasn’t me.
      you see, it was completely platonic unlike your initial encounter with Roger, Laci. You thought that he was cute and was attracted to him. Your resentment towards Roger and his ex are pretty normal if you aren’t truly platonic.

      When my guy friends got into relationships, i’d back off on my own initiative. I’d call/txt/hang out with them less, because i knew the strength of our friendship, which would be alarming to the girlfriend. i didn’t want our friendship, which was so important to us, to get in the way of his relationship or to be tarnished by a threatened girlfriend.

      I believe that to be a truly good friend, you have to put your agenda aside temporarily if you sincerely care for their happiness. because if the relationship doesn’t work out, or he needs someone to talk to, you know that he’d come to you for help. if you’re so broken up about losing him as a friend, then you should have probably had more faith in your friendship with Roger.

      By resenting the ex-girlfriend, you’re only hurting your friendship by letting ill thoughts fester. depressed people tend to cling on to these seemingly strong friendships, but it’s more of a bond of mutual necessity than a pure, platonic friendship.

      also if you were sneaking to see him, that’s suspicious and harmful to his relationship, no matter how much you hated the girlfriend. she basically has a right to say that she doesn’t want him to see you, because you were actively causing Roger to break her trust and hurting their relationship. .

      that’s also pretty selfish.

      hope things are better. hope you are better, too.

  59. most men fall into that trickity of woman…and all of the sudden one day they wake up like where tf am I?…As a guy I have a girlfriend but I mean we have our space and we’re doing fine here, but many of my friends end up like Roger…and they dont seem like having much fun in their lives…I think…maybe you could try talking to him more frecuently, so maby he’ll realize that his life is happening now and he gotta live it. Having good friends is awesome.

  60. I need help :[ i can definetly relate to roger except instead of having a controlling boyfriend i have a controlling bestfriend… I love her with all my heart :[ but then i got a boyfriend. He was so great :,( completely understanding, we had in depth convos, it wasnt fake, it was so real… And my bestfriend hated it. She got soo jelous (she had a boyfriend herself). Everything between us got akward. She acted as though i was cheating on her and she knew what she was doing b/c she told me, ” i know im acting like a bitch but i cant help it, this is how i feel.” it killed me. So there was a party and averything was going well ppl were a bit drunk and so was she… She yelled at him, told him she hated him for taking me away, scratched his arm, and punched him you know where. Me and my bestfriend stopped talking and i went on a one month vacation. I missed my bf so much and I also cried so much about the decision i made there. I still cry to this day and it’s been 8 months. Because what i decided to do was break up with this wonderful guy to salvage my relationship with my best friend but lie to her and everyone including my now ex boyfriend of the reasons. I told him i just wasnt in love with him but i loved him and still wanted to be friends. I had this crazy fantasy that he would be ok and we would at least stay friends…. We stopped talking for 7 months. One month ago we started talking. But hes so over me. And it hurts. Alot. I know that rogers gf’s are probably not as close but its such a crazy thing to decide about. Just having to decide. And since your feelings are all intertwined in it, you make crazy decisions that dont make sense to anyone but yourself. I hope roger comes to his senses, Laci <3 lots of love<3

  61. I feel bad for the girl though because she’s probably extremely insecure. plus you never know another person’s perspective. Although I agree the way she’s going about her issues are not right, she could have other problems or gone through other experiences that cause her to act that way.

  62. Im almost crying, something kinda similar happended to me but backwards
    i used to have a friend, we hang out all the time, we were a five people group who used to be so united, every thing we shared, until she got into a relasionship with an old man, who was known to be a player, so she became obsess over him, never made any time for us, we were left as second dish, when her boyfriend got tired of her or she found out that he might have cheated they would fight and she would come to my house, eventualy not even that.
    Her birthday was a month ago and i text her, she didnt even answer me.
    Its amazing how people change.
    and to top it all, she borrowed money from another friend of the group to buy a guitar, didnt pay her back, and even blames her for puting money over their frienship
    it has been over 6 months and she hasnt payed!
    but of course she is paying for her boyfriends debts…
    its trully sad, she has such low self steem that the only kinda guys she can “love” are those who treat ger like shit

  63. i had that exact same relationship! hahaha the bus ride and everything! (im not roger) HAHAHAHAHA but instead of me getting all these girls and never paying enough attention to her she was the one who had all the relationships. we eventualy drifted apart, mainly because i was so infatuated with her and i let my emotions get the better of me and i guess i was a little too forward with her because i could only go 3 maybe 4 months befor i would eventualy brake down and tell her again how much i loved her and pleaded to have a more meaningfull relationship. this lasted all through highschool and is the reason im 18 years away from being the 40 year old virgin! the only girl i ever chased and now ive pretty much givin up on women all together. now i just assume no woman will love me in that way so i just have a lot of friends. yay life! :<

  64. Im in this situation now. My best friend mark got back with his CRAZY ex and she makes his life a living hell. She made him change his cell number, and block and delete me on facebook. this all happened last month. We went from talking and texting everyday to not being able to talk to each other at all :( … he said he promises to get in contact with me one way or another but im starting to believe it aint gonna happen its been a month and nothing. What do you think??

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